Page 93 of To Catch a Firefly

My gut bottoms out, a bone-deep chill blanketing me that has nothing to do with the cold. “You think I’d leave you like your dad did?” I ask. “You really think I’d do that?”

His expression tells meyes, he does.

My mouth opens, nothing coming out. “Ellis,” I say, a bruise blooming deep in my chest. “How could you think that? How could you think I’d ever leave you?”

“Did,” he says, stopping as soon as the word leaves his mouth. His breath perfumes the air in front of him as he turns his head, regret in his eyes as they meet mine.

“Yeah,” I say, clearing my throat and pushing myself to my feet. “Ow.”

He takes a step forward but stops, the battle in him evident.

“You told me to go,” I point out.

He doesn’t refute it.

“You practically shoved me out the door.”

Again, no defense.

“I would have stayed for you, Ellis! If you’d ever asked, I would have stayed.”

He blinks at me, sadness in his expression as he watches the tears run down my face. He takes a big breath before speaking. “Couldn’t…have let you.”

I look away for a moment, working my jaw. My eyes sting, and I brush my cheeks, wiping the moisture onto my pants. “Why?Help me understand,please. Why the hell don’t you want me here?”

“Trapped,” he repeats.

“You think I’d feel trapped?”

He nods, pointing up. I follow his gaze, but all I see are the fireflies twinkling above.

“So, you wanted me to go,” I say, trying to parse through it. “And now, what? You’d just make do with me living in another state? You’d be okay with me visiting once a month if we’re lucky?”

He nods, even as his face is pinched.

“Well, not me,” I say roughly, breath stuttering. “I won’t make do with that. I want to behere, with you. I want to live with you. Come home toyou. You’re telling me you don’t want the same thing?”

“Only thing…I’ve wanted.”

I throw up my hands. “Then why? Why are we even arguing about it? Why do you want me to go?”

He blows out a breath, hands on his head as he looks up, expression pained. “Not…listening.”

“I’m trying,” I huff out. “But you’re notsayinganything.”

In the silence that falls, I pull in a harsh breath.

“I’m sorry,” I say, stepping toward him, hand caught midair. “I’msorry, El. I didn’t mean that.”

He grunts.

“No.” I shake my head. “It’s not fine. That was a shitty thing to say. I’m just…”

I blow out a breath and close my eyes. This isn’t how I expected this day to go. I thought our reunion would be joyful. I thought Ellis would welcome me with open arms and a warm kiss, and we’d celebrate Christmas together, maybe have hot cocoa, and I’d be home. We’d be together, and I’d be home for good, and he’d behappyabout it.

But he’s not happy. And I have to figure outwhy.

“El,” I say softly, opening my eyes. He’s standing just a foot in front of me, looking as miserable as I feel. “Do you want…me?”

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