Page 18 of To Catch a Firefly

I let out a breath. We’ve been on borrowed time. But Lucky will go—he was always going to go—and I can’t even fault him for it. I want him to be happy. Simply, truly happy.

“El?”

I turn toward the sound of my friend’s voice, finding him regarding me with a small frown. It smooths out, though, as Lucky climbs the remaining step into the loft. He settles on his knees beside the bed, and I realize the room is quiet. How long have I been up here?

“I’m sorry,” he says.

My brows draw together.

“For all the people,” he clarifies. “I know it’s not your thing.”

I shrug.

Lucky exhales, scooting onto his stomach beside me. He settles his head on his arm, riotous golden hair everywhere, and I turn on my side to see him better. My world shifts again, like I’m a ship at sea, and I realize maybe I am a little drunk, after all.

“They’re gone now,” Lucky says. “Party moved next door.”

I nod. I won’t complain about having Lucky to myself. Not ever.

“Andrew?” I ask.

Lucky cringes, almost. “Yeah, uh. He’s gone, too.”

I shake my head. That’s not what I meant, and I think he knows it.

“We’re friends. Mostly,” he says.

Mostly. They’re sleeping together.

My gut cramps.

“You didn’t like him,” Lucky notes.

No, I didn’t. I didn’t like the way he was touching Lucky, but I don’t tell him that.

“It’s not serious, you know?” he says, almost like he’s pleading with me to understand. As if he would need my permission in the first place. “It’s just fun with him. Just some meaningless fun.”

I don’t get it, not fully. I’ve never wanted something meaningless—sex for the sake of sex. What’s the point? The only person I’ve ever wanted to touch is right in front of me, and anything between us could never be meaningless. Not to me.

It’s a souring reminder. I know I’m not like most. My wires run a little differently. But even if Lucky could ever look at me the way he looks at guys like Andrew, what good would it possibly do? It would only hurt more, in the end—having a taste, only to lose it. I’d rather never know.

I think, maybe, this is all I’ll ever have. Because who else is going to take the time to understand me like Lucky?

When I don’t say anything, Lucky lets out a breath. “You’re not interested in girls, are you,” he says, not quite a question. More like he’s confirming something for himself.

Still, I shake my head.No, I’m not.

He licks his lips and swallows hard. “And…have you ever wanted other guys?”

My heart kicks, and Lucky watches me, waiting for an answer. After what feels like an eternity, I shake my head slowly.

“No,” I manage to say.

Only you. There’s only ever been you.

Lucky nods, looking at a point over my shoulder, and for once, I’m grateful he missed the words inside my head.

“How’s your mom?” he asks.

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