Page 12 of To Catch a Firefly

I can’t.

I know I’m not enough. I’m being selfish and childish, not wanting to let go of my one and only friend. But that’s not fair to Lucky.

“Is there a reason for me to stay?” he asks, his breath rushing out fast, like my own. When I don’t answer, he shouts, “Ellis!”

“You’re…”

“What?” he says, putting us toe to toe in the water. He reaches out slowly, hands settling on my waist. It’s a jolt to my system, even though his skin is warm. My heart pounds, and I can’t pull in a big enough breath. “I’m what?” he repeats.

My best friend.

Lucky closes his eyes in an extended blink, as if pained. He looks down, looks away from me, and I don’t understand. Heshakes his head before brushing his hair out of his face, and then he takes a step back. I feel it like a loss.

“It’ll always be me and you, El,” he says. “But I can’t… I can’t stay here. I’ve never even been kissed, you know?”

My breath catches in my throat, and it takes me a moment to make the connection. Even if Lucky did stay, who would he date? Who could he kiss and fall in love with, not to mention have sex with? There are no options for him here, and it never truly occurred to me before. Of course he’d want a boyfriend. A partner to build a life with.

Of course Lucky needs to leave.

I’ve been foolish to hope otherwise for all these years. Just a foolish boy who didn’t want to grow up. Not if it meant saying goodbye.

But I set it all aside because the way Lucky looks right this instant—how his face is downcast, how his arms are around his stomach as if holding a wound closed—is not something I can bear.

Taking a step forward, I tip Lucky’s chin. His eyes catch mine and his lips pop open, and when I lean down to press my mouth to his, his fingertips dig into my arm. Not pushing, though, holding. I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.

His mouth is warm, soft even, but his nose is cold as it brushes against my own. It’s just a press, really. Innocent. But Lucky sighs, tipping his head back and opening his lips, and…

I don’t remember jumping back, but the next second, I’m looking at Lucky’s blinking, blue eyes and his slightly parted mouth, wondering why my hands are shaking. Wondering why that show of trust had me wanting to press into Lucky and…I don’t know.

“Ellis.” Lucky steps forward, hand reaching out and touching my stomach for just a moment before his arm falls lax at his side. “Should I stay?”

Yesterday, I would have said yes. I would have told him I could make it worth it. ThatIwas worth it because we’re best friends, and best friends stick together, right?

But today? Today, everything is different.

Would Lucky be happy here, really? I don’t think so.

I shake my head, and Lucky closes his eyes. He nods several times before opening them and flashing a crooked, cheery smile.

“Right,” he says, tone teasing. “Are we going to talk about the fact that you kissed me, El?”

I roll my eyes, but at least my feet are on solid ground again.

“Are you going to give me my first blowjob, too?” he asks, and suddenly, the ground is whooshing out from under me.

Lucky laughs as I slip on the rock and fall chest-deep into the water, even as he rushes to help. But then we’re both falling, slipping under the surface where sound cuts out and there’s only the all-encompassing feeling of being weightless and surrounded in cold. For a moment, with only Lucky’s hand in mine, I feel lost in the cosmos. Drifting, but not alone.

When we break the surface, Lucky is laughing again. We end up on our knees—the water isn’t deep here—and I wipe my face.

“El,” Lucky gasps, hand on my shoulder. “One day, someone is going to corrupt you, and I can only hope I’m there to see it.”

I scowl, but it makes Lucky laugh harder. I turn away so he doesn’t see my lips twitch.

When he finally quiets, he gives me a little shove. “Hey.”

I turn back around.

“I’m glad it was you,” he says.The kiss.

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