Page 100 of To Catch a Firefly

“Will you go to the funeral service?” I ask, changing topics.

She hums. “I think so. I’m not sure if Ellis will, but I won’t push him. He’ll process his father’s death at his own speed.”

“I can go with you if Ellis decides to stay,” I offer.

“That’s sweet, hon, but you should be with him. I already talked to your parents, and they’re able to bring me if I need a ride.”

“Okay.”

“I do have a request, however,” she says, a slight gleam in her eye.

“Yeah?”

“Help me make a batch of eggnog?”

I huff a laugh. “You got it.”

The next morning, Ellis dons a suit without a word. He looks so incredibly handsome in pressed black, but I keep the thought to myself. It’s not the time.

Despite Mrs. Cole no longer needing the ride, my parents accompany us to the cemetery where Mr. Cole is being laid to rest.

I asked Mrs. Cole before we left why she kept her ex-husband’s name all those years ago. I’ve always wondered. Her answer was short and to the point.

“Cole became our family name. He might have left us, but he didn’t get to take that away.”

The service is short, a small graveside reading attended by less than a dozen people. Each of us sit in our finery, warm coats overtop, our breaths fogging the spaces in front of our mouths. A cardinal sits in the branch of a tree not far off, its bright red feathers contrasting sharply with the white snow all around. Ellis watches it nearly the entire time.

When we go, we stop at Maisy’s Diner for a late breakfast. The mood is somber but the pancakes good.

We reconvene at the Coles’, the five of us warming ourselves in the living room. Mrs. Cole puts on music again, trying, I think, to return some semblance of Christmas cheer to our group. It works, a little. Expressions become less pinched. My dad asks my mom to dance.

I follow Ellis to the bedroom to change. He’s quiet. Has been all day. I don’t blame him.

“How’re you doing, big guy?” I ask, helping pull his suit jacket off. He lets me maneuver him out of the material before shrugging. “Can I ask a question?”

He nods, changing his pants out for jeans. I get a little caught up watching him unbutton his shirt next, slowly revealing the line of his chest and abdomen. When he glances up at me, I remember myself.

“Are you sad about it?” I ask. “Or do you not feel anything for him anymore? I’m not judging either way. He’s been out of your life for a long time.”

Ellis sighs, leaving his shirt unbuttoned as he sits at the edge of his bed. I join him.

“I am sad,” he says, shoulders hunched over slightly as he rests his hands against the corner of the mattress. “I… I don’t get why…” There’s a pause. “Why he left. I wish…”

“Things could have been different?”

He shrugs.Maybe.“I knew him…as a child. I didn’t…didn’t know him as an adult.” He blows out a breath, forming words. I wait. “What I forgave then, when…when I loved him… I don’t forgive now. I… There’s no excuse.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“If I…become a dad,” he says, his words sending a jolt to the very heart of me, “I won’t ever.” His gaze meets mine solidly. “I’ll always love. Always be there.”

“Yeah,” I breathe out, my heart skipping about wildly in my chest. “You’d make such a good dad, Ellis.”

He reaches over, squeezing my hand. It feels like ayou, too.

“Fuck,” I mutter, sucking in a breath.

Ellis smiles, leaning in to press a kiss to the corner of my mouth. I pull his face around, planting our lips more firmly together.

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