Page 52 of To Catch a Firefly

“Oh, no, no,” he says, not to be dissuaded. “You’redrunktonight, Lucky. Sloppy drunk. It’s the third time this month. You didn’t drink like this before.”

I huff, but he’s not wrong.

“And last month?” he goes on. “You went off-trail minutes after our guide told us not to because of the high probability of crocs in the area. We couldn’t find you for five minutes, Lucky. Do you know how terrified I was?”

My frustration dissipates in an instant, and I curse. “I’m sorry,” I mumble, rubbing my forehead.

“I know,” Danil says gently. “Just…talk to me. Stop shutting me out.”

Again with that phrase.

I work my jaw as a cab pulls to the curb. Danil and I get in the back, and he gives the driver our hotel address. My head swims a little as we pull into traffic, so I close my eyes, trying to ride the wave.

“He thinks I’m mad at him,” I finally say, my mind running over Ellis’s email.“I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been a shitty friend. I’ll do better, I promise. Please believe me.”

I scrub my hands over my face as guilt flares, bright and hot.

“What do you mean?” Danil asks.

“I’ve been…”

“Hurting?” he fills in when I trail off.

I nod, accepting the simplification. “Yes. And it’s not his fault I’m so…” I wave a hand over my chest. Over my heart. “But it’s been hard, harder than normal, talking to him. And he thinks I’m mad because of it. Which in turn makes me feel like shit.”

“Maybe explain it to him?” Danil suggests, as if it’s that easy.

“How?” I ask, meeting his dark gaze. “I’m honestly asking, Dani, ’cause I don’t know how. I can’t tell him I’m…heartbroken. I can’t tell him I’ve been secretly wishing, all these years, that he and I could… That we could be…”

“Maybe you need some space,” Danil says.

“No,” I reply immediately, shaking my head. When my vision swims, I stop and breathe through it. “I can’t do that.”

“You still want to be his friend?” he asks, voice soft.

“Yes. Always.”

“Okay,” Danil says thoughtfully. “Then you need to get over it.”

I bark a laugh. “Just like that?”

Danil shrugs. “What you’re doing—this whole outrun your feelings thing—clearly isn’t working. So yes, do what you need to do to accept the state of things and move on.”

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it.And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

“Lucky,” Danil says softly, his face mired in sadness.

“But I have to, don’t I? I have to figure it out. I will.”

He squeezes my leg as the driver pulls around to the entrance of our hotel. Danil pays, and we head inside. Once in the privacy of our shared room, Danil starts unbuttoning his shirt. I grab a bottle of water before turning right back around.

“I’m gonna step outside,” I let Danil know.

He gives me a nod and spreads out atop his bed. I know he’d make good on his offer from earlier if I asked, but I’m not in the mood anymore. And, frankly, Danil deserves better than playing the part of my distraction.

Out on the veranda, I drink half of my water in one go before leaning against the railing that overlooks a beautiful, sloping hill. It’s dark now, but some light from the hotel illuminates the grounds where manicured olive trees stand like little soldiers. I breathe in the cool evening air as I drum up the willpower to pull out my phone.

Once I make the call, Ellis answers quickly.

---