Page 48 of To Catch a Firefly

“Always,” he answers.

I lick my lips, as if it will help the sudden dryness of my mouth. “Do you want a partner? A, uh, romantic relationship, I mean. Is that something you want?”

Ellis’s brow furrows slightly, and I’m not surprised. My question is coming out of nowhere.

After a moment, he answers, “With the right person.”

I nod, feeling a little lightheaded. “And, um. Have you…ever had sex?”

His brows fly up, and he shakes his head, completely unabashed by that fact. That’s something I’ve always loved about Ellis. He doesn’t care about what’s considerednormal. It doesn’t bother him that most people would look at a twenty-five-year-old virgin as an oddity. It’s not a concern to him. He’s only ever wanted to be himself.

I hope that never changes.

I’m relieved by his answer, if only because it means he hasn’t kept something that big from me. But still, it’s been years since we’ve talked about this outright, and like Danil said, sometimes things change.

Swallowing, I force my next question. “Do you want to?”

If Ellis is wondering why I’m asking whether or not he wants to have sex, he doesn’t show it. “Right person,” he answers again.

My pulse thunders. “And has there been anyone recently?” I ask, voice nearly a whisper. “Anyone who’s caught your eye?”

Ellis doesn’t once look away, even as it takes him a moment to respond. “One,” he finally says. “One person.”

Gabby.

It takes everything in me not to react. To keep my emotions locked down tight. I wish I had a parachute now becausefuck, does the ground hurt.

“Right,” I say, forcing a tremulous smile. “Well, Dani and I need to get to the airport, so—”

“Why?” Ellis interrupts.

“Why what?” I ask, sticking my shaking hands in my pockets.

“Why ask?”

My sigh is small, but my whole chest deflates as I step forward and wrap my arms around Ellis. “Because you’re my closest friend,” I tell him, hiding the truth of it against his shirt. “I just want you to be happy.”

His arms come around me slowly, but it’s the most natural thing, the way we fit together. I hate that, for a brief moment, I allowed myself to hope. But if Ellis likes Gabby, if she’s the first person he’s been attracted to, possiblyever, I won’t stand in the way of that. How could I?

I refuse to be that petty, even as every part of me wants to demand he look again. That he seeme.God, justsee me.

Instead, I let him go. His expression is downcast, and I wonder if this is as hard for him as it is for me, these goodbyes.

I clear my throat. “I’ll call when I can,” I tell him. He knows that, though.

Still, he nods. “Better.”

I huff a pained laugh. “I love you, El. Just be happy, okay?”

He nods, brows drawn.

I can’t quite stop myself from giving him one last hug. I hold on a little too long, soaking up his presence and the solid feel of him against my cheek. I remember, without my permission, the feel of his skin underneath my palms when we were seventeen. When Ellis kissed me beneath a waterfall. My first kiss.

My first love.

Eyes stinging, I step back. “Bye, El,” I say quickly, turning away.

His “Bye, Luck” trails after me.

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