Page 76 of Fighting Words

I grimace. “Yes, sorry. He’s usually in here but we moved him to Nate’s room.”

He nods, not annoyed per se.

“I can see if Nate has something you can take?”

“I brought some medicine. Never travel without it.”

“Right. Good. Shower’s free.” I point back out into the hall like there’s any confusion over where the shower could be in this tiny cottage.

He drops his phone onto the bed and stands, stretching his arms over his head while he takes me in. Then he unfurls a sheepish smile.

“You’re so beautiful.”

I scrunch my nose. “In my t-shirt?”

“Oroutof it,” he says, his cheeks turning a little pink.

Panic grips me so suddenly. No thought. No indecision. Pure impulse.

Andrew and I can’t have sex.

We can’t.

“Aren’t we on a break?” I ask, my voice trembling.

He offers me a crooked smile. “Are we?”

I’m not ready for this conversation. Not yet.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to…complicate things that way. I mean, not until we decide what we’re going to do.”

He tries to conceal his hurt, but I still see it for a fleeting second.

I hate having to turn him down, but there’s no other option. I don’t want to be intimate with him, and realizing that scares me—that clear, powerful thought: I don’t want to have sex with Andrew. And truthfully, it’s not just about making our situation more complicated. If I were dying to touch him, to have him in that way, it wouldn’t matter what obstacles stood between us. Right?

“I get it, yeah,” Andrew says. “Should we talk about us then?”

We haven’t yet. He flew all the way here and we’ve been together for hours and there have been no dramatic declarations of love. I’m still not sure exactly what I want to say, or more specifically, I haven’t worked up the courage to say what I need to, so I look down and shake my head.

“In the morning.”

Andrew rarely raises his voice. He’s agreeable and kind. I think maybe if he pressed the issue, I would be honest with him right now, but he nods, more than willing to accommodate me. Never mind that he flew halfway around the world to get to me. Never mind that he took a car to the middle of nowhere and has put up with Nate’s awful attitude all evening. Never mind that I can’t even look him in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time.

I want to shelve the status of our relationship until the morning and that’s that. He doesn’t push me on it.

It’s a huge relief. I’m hoping by morning, I’ll feel differently. The shock of his arrival will have worn off and I’ll feel more solid in our relationship. It’s probably always a little strange to reunite with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, like starting back at ground zero in a way.

Hours later, it’s the middle of the night, and I’m standing at the kitchen counter in my oversized t-shirt and fuzzy socks. I have a warm cup of tea clutched between my hands and I’m staring out at the sprinkling of snow gently falling to the ground. I can’t see much of it. There’s only a small lamp on in the kitchen, not enough to light the whole backyard, but I love how tender it feels to be awake with the snow.

I wasn’t able to fall asleep, but Andrew’s been dead to the world for hours. He’s always been good like that. The moment his head touches the pillow, he’s out like a light.

I thought sleeping in the small bed together would make it difficult for him, but no. He wrapped himself around me, using me like a child uses a teddy bear, and then I tried to go to sleep as well, but I couldn’t. I held myself absolutely motionless, barely breathing, trying not to disturb him. Eventually, when I couldn’t lie awake listening to Andrew sleeping for one more second, I slipped out of bed and padded quietly downstairs.

I’m feeling twisted up inside. Angry and guilty and resentful.

Andrew and I probably should have had sex tonight. If we were going to repair things, that would have been a good place to start. I know he assumed it would happen. He came all the way here to prove his love for me, to win me back.

When we lay down together in bed, he reached over to draw me closer.

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