Page 103 of An Unfinished Memory

Brenda had decorated during the hours she wasn’t working. In the corners were black and blue balloons, and a giant banner that read “Thank you for all your years” was attached to the back wall.

Lawyers and judges—even the ones Ray notoriously rubbed the wrong way—had stopped in. Grocery store and gas station employees. Local business owners. The guy who tips Ray off on the best fishing locations and types of bait to use. All of them stopped in.

Who didn’t I see? His kids. His grandkids.

“Your kids couldn’t make it?” I was being intrusive, but I couldn’t help it. Sheriff was his role, but he was a dad. A grandpa. Had those other rolesfallen by the wayside until at the end, he didn’t even have his job anymore?

“Eh, you know how it goes.”

Iwas afraid I was beginning to.

“Long flights. It’s in the middle of tax season for my daughter.”

“They coming out later now that you’ll have all the free time?”

His dry laughter was empty. “Doubt it. They’re city kids now. Montana ain’t got nothing for them.” He slapped me on the back. “Ready for the big day?”

My gut clenched, and the piece of store-bought marble cake with extra foamy frosting threatened to come up. “Yeah,” I said weakly.

“Don’t be nervous. You were made for this job.”

I had been molded for the job. Was I made for it? “You taught me well.” And he had. He’d been a dedicated mentor. A sheriff loyal to his county. But not a devoted husband or father.

“Sutton going to, uh, be there tomorrow?”

I studied him. His question was probing, but I could tell he hoped the answer was no. In an odd turn of events, I wished I could disappoint him. “No. She’s got things to do.” Places to be. Ones that wouldn’t include me.

We were both embarking on the start of new adventures.

A question that had crossed my mind once retraced its path. When I retired, who did I want at my goodbye party?

I wished the balloons and banners hadn’t been cleared away, and I could pretend it wasn’t April sixteenth yet. But I couldn’t escape reality. The party today was for me. As many people as had shown up to Ray’s retirement party had come to my swearing-in ceremony. More, if I counted Eliot, who hadn’t been around last night, and Cody and Tova, who’d made the trip with their kids. Aggie, Ansen, and Ro were here as well. Austen couldn’t get leave.

Having them present when I took my oath of office meant the world. So why was a lingering sadness surrounding me like a fog? My heart held a dread that wouldn’t leave. Trepidation. Fear. All the negative emotions and none of the relief and elation I thought I’d experience.

Cody stopped next to me. “Quite the crowd.”

His comment reminded me of how I’d made a similar statement to Ray. “Good turnout.” I didn’t have kids to blow off a big moment in my life. But there was one person missing. One person who’d be hooking up her camper and checking off her packing list this very minute. I hadn’t invited her to attend, and she hadn’t offered. Today would be uncomfortable for her, to be among my coworkers and the community as the ex-wife I was dating. I’d never ask her to postpone the trip she had planned for months, when in reality, she’d put it off for years because of me.

The county commissioner sidled between me and Cody. Cody left to wander through the crowd to where Tova and the kids were at the fringes. I was tempted to call him back, to tell him I needed his advice, but I didn’t know what for.

The commissioner had a huge smile on her face. Shewas in full maroon pantsuit glory, just like I was dressed more for a policeman’s ball than a traffic stop. “We’re so excited to be involved in the swearing-in of a new sheriff.” She nudged me. “Can’t wait to do it for a full term.”

I forced the political side of me to the forefront and let out a good-natured laugh. I had to embrace the new job. “It’s an honor.”

Ray came up and slapped me on the back. “He’s ready for it.”

My stomach churned.

“It’s time.” She grasped my hand, then went to the front of the room. People started filling in the seats. Tables from last night had been moved out as well. Nothing but a sea of faces would greet me when I was called to the front.

I’d take the oath of office in a few minutes.

Soon I’d be exactly where I’d planned to be most of my life. I could finally prove to myself I was worth something.

Fuck’s sake.

Sutton had been right. I was chasing a feeling. An inner need only I could fill. One I’d ignored and in pursuit of which I’d chased away the one person I’d wanted by my side at any damn party.

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