Page 75 of Three Reasons

I longed for him in ways I couldn’t understand, and the possibility of him sifting through my fingers like sand only heightened my discomfort.

While I’d attempted to enjoy the following hours with my friends, I was the first to leave after our late dinner.

Sean had texted me a happy Thanksgiving earlier in the day, but I hadn’t responded. Doing so would only open a door for further conversation, and sharing words with him always ended with me tempted to grow lax in my stance on keeping distance between us.

I turned the corner onto my street, my breath leaving in a rush at the sight of Sean’s Audi sitting alongside the curb in front of my house.

“Damn him,” I muttered even though I wasn’t surprised he’d disobeyed me.

Part of me wanted to tear into him for making me feel unsteady, unsure about my choices while the other half desired to wrap him in my arms and tell him I understood.

Once parked in my garage, I waited for him to join me beneath its roof before putting the door down behind us.

He shuffled closer, shoulder slumped and eyes wary as the automatic pulley system squeaked and shuddered once finished.

I didn’t speak, simply opened the door leading into the house and motioned him inside.

Sean dropped to his knees on the tile, head lowered.

My chest split, and nothing, no threat of being found out or losing my job could keep me from reaching for him in his time of need. The soft strands of his hair slid through my fingers as I caressed his bowed head, wanting to erase his pain.

Sighing, he wilted beneath my touch.

“Not here, Sean,” I murmured, my voice low as I headed for the living room.

I eyed the recliner where I used to sit for Katie, but same as the first time I’d considered allowing Sean to kneel for me, I chose the couch instead. I sat, and he’d followed so closely on my heels that he sank onto the rug before I even settled myself.

He wrapped his arms around my leg and lay his cheek on my thigh, releasing a relieved sigh.

Something more had happened since last we’d spoken, defeat far beyond what had radiated off him earlier in thick waves. He called out to me on that deep level that insisted I take care of him.

“Talk to me, Sean.”

“Jasmine is pregnant,” he whispered.

The gaps slowly filled in, cluing me in to his mood. He’d told me his mom looked forward to grandchildren, so I expected she’d focused on her older son, without doubt praising him in some way for what his wife’s pregnancy meant to her.

Sean sat on the outside in his mind, ignored and forgotten, which had probably dragged up his insecurities.

“I…I’m sorry, Matteo, but you’re the only one who can quiet my mind. Discipline me all you want for disobeying your order—deny me the pleasure of you and your body for the next six months—I just…”

I pet over his head, and he shuddered, clutching me closer as his voice ran quiet. Never had someone needed me so desperately to the point I wondered if it ran toward unhealthy. But his statement also quieted the thoughts he simply wanted to fuck me out of his system, that he was only interested in me for the physical.

Sean would benefit from seeing a therapist to work through his emotional childhood trauma, but I couldn’t deny how his need created one in me. Yes, he’d gone against my wishes, but I truly wasn’t a sadist, nor was he a masochist.

“Come here, sweet boy.” I tugged on his hair, and he scurried to drape himself over my thighs. “No.” I manhandled him until he realized I wanted him to straddle me.

No trace of sassy brat lingered on his face as he settled where I directed. Eyes downcast, he clasped his hands on his lap rather than reaching for me. Empathy for the pain weighing on him caused my chest to squeeze tight.

I grasped his face in my hands and tilted his chin up until he was forced to meet my gaze. My breath swooshed from my lungs but not from the usual lust when our eyes met. His were anguished, beaten down to the point I worried for him.

“You’re perfect,” I whispered past the lump in my throat. “Even hurting, you’re the light I need to survive and the happiness I reach for in my mind whenever you aren’t with me.”

Rather than Sean preening at my praise, tears welled in his eyes. “Then why push me away, Matteo? Why deny us when we have no idea when we’ll breathe our last?”

His brutally honest question rocked the foundation of my stance on waiting, the lack of manipulation clear in the deep ocean of his watery stare.

How often had I wished for just one more week, one day, one last fucking hour with Katie after she’d left me alone? How many months had I grieved over lost time, wasting time when I should have been living like she’d asked me to?

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