Page 4 of Surrender

The raskarrans won’t expect anything of us if we do find ourselves in the dreamspace, will they?

Khadija was only joking when she answered ‘multiple orgasms’, taking a dig at Liv and her complete lack of shame in sharing her nighttime escapades with Gregar. But her words cut into a delicate part of me. The part of me that fears I’ll never be able to desire being touched that way, sexual pleasure forever ruined for me by Simon.

My breeder is defective.

“I can see you are struggling to speak the words you need to, Grace,” Calran says, his voice so gentle it makes me ache.

“I, uh, it’s a very hard thing I have to say. For me, and for you. So I’m sorry in advance.”

Calran doesn’t say anything, just gives me space to continue.

“All those years of living with Simon - the man who bought me - they were very difficult. I was just a girl when he first bought me. I’d never taken a lover before. The only touch I’ve ever known was his.”

“And his was not a pleasant touch.”

“No. So, you see, I’m afraid that I can never enjoy that sort of thing. That even though I know you’re kind and not at all like Simon, I’ll never be able to get over what he did to me. I’ll never be able to want to…”

“Mate,” Calran finishes for me.

His fists are clenched, the muscles in his forearms bunching. I sit very still but try to force myself not to tense up. To trust that his anger isn’t directed at me. After a moment, he takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, his fists uncurling as he does.

“You said you are afraid?” he says. I don’t immediately understand what he means and when I hesitate, he expands. “You said you are afraid that you cannot enjoy mating touches. When you say you are afraid, what do you mean?”

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, my brain stalling, failing to come up with an answer.

“I am asking because if you simply never wish to mate, then that is one thing. There is a simple solution to that problem. We just do not mate. We enjoy each other in other ways. But you say ‘afraid’, which could mean that mating is something you desire, and your fear is that you can never have something that you want. If that is the truth of it, then there are things we can do to solve that problem as well, but I should like to know which it is you truly mean, so we are understanding each other clearly.”

I blink. I hadn’t even thought about it that much. Calran has taken my request for thoughtful use of language and turned it back on me, and I’m surprised by the desire I feel to throw my arms around his neck and hug him. I figured that kind of thing I could work my way back to, but never imagined it would come so quickly.

“I’m afraid of disappointing you,” I say. “That you won’t want a mate who can’t give you everything.”

Calran waves a dismissive hand. “Forget about me and what I desire. I want to know the true shape of your feelings. How youfelt before the dreamspace formed for us. Before you ever knew of me.”

I take a moment, give it the consideration Calran deserves. I think about Liv and her outrageous stories. I’m not sure I could ever be as adventurous as she is, even if Simon had never happened. But then I think of Shemza, and how he looks at Lorna when she comes to the healer’s hut to see him. The way his tail will graze along her legs, or his hand will trail down her arm. Nothing demanding, nothing claiming about it. Just a promise of what’s to come later, when they’re alone. I try to imagine Calran doing the same - coming to visit me at work, giving me a heated look. Me feeling a shiver of need and excitement. It’s not so difficult to picture.

And part of me hates that I’m broken, that I’ll never know that kind of intimacy with someone who cares about me. Truly cares about me.

“I’m afraid that I’m missing out on an experience that should be wonderful. That I’ll never be able to connect with my mate the way I should.”

Calran lets my words settle for a moment.

“First,” he says. “Mating is not the only way for us to connect. It is one way, yes, but not the only one. We do not need it to form a strong bond between us, lin-Grace. But, if you truly fear that you are being denied something wonderful by your fears, then we could work on this together. You say this male only tried to seed a youngling in you. That does not sound like he gave any consideration to your pleasure. That is not a mistake I would make.”

He adds a teasing lilt to his words, but quickly grows serious again.

“If you would permit me, I would try to show you ways to enjoy mating? If I am unsuccessful, then it matters little to me. I would be happy simply to have you in my arms each night aswe sleep, to wake beside you and share our hours together. I never dreamed I would be so lucky as to find a linasha after the sickness. Just to know you is greater by far than the nothing I was certain to have before you came to these trees.”

I’m so overcome with emotion at his words that I forget that he’s asked me a question.

“Well?” he asks, gentle and undemanding. “Would you like to try to overcome your fears? Would you like me to do my best to teach you pleasures?”

A shiver runs down my spine at the heat in his words, and it’s not entirely unpleasant.

“Okay,” I say.

CHAPTER TWO

Calran

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