Page 53 of Hell to Slay

“Jax, I’m so sorry I—”

“Why did you form this coven, Nico? Really?” He turned back, leaning against the countertop with his arms crossed as he gazed down at me.

I felt like saying ‘You know why,’ but then decided maybe this was a test. I couldn’t get defensive.

“You have every right to question my intentions,” I said instead, my mind whirring with the meaning behind his question.

“Answer the question, then.”

“Originally?” I asked. “To protect all of us. To keep the three of us alive and to keep Mel from harm.”

“But it wasn’t until you met Mel that you were willing to form a coven.”

I shrugged helplessly. My knees were beginning to protest. “That’s mostly a coincidence. The idea came to me when I was trying to protect us all — including you — from being imprisoned indefinitely.”

Jax let out a long exhale; I was fucking this up somehow.

“But now, Jax, things are different. You know I feared the bonds, even before I was turned. It got worse after. I thought they’d be like ropes, fraying under constant stress — pulling me toward bloodfrenzy to protect my coven, which in turn posed the greatest threat to my coven. I was terrified that when they snapped, I’d lose my sanity, my very identity, and that I’d do something I could never forgive myself for.”

“And now?” Jax asked quietly, the question brittle. So easy to break.

“Now I see them as tethers, helping mekeepmy sanity, bringing me back if I fall into a frenzy.”

Jax’s gaze sharpened, and I realized I shouldn’t have said anything at all about the frenzy. He tilted his head at me, then reached over and turned off the burner. Turning his back to me, he turned over the sausages one last time.

I couldn’t see his expression as he carefully chose his next words. “You recognized Mel, but not me, during the frenzy. Why do you think that was?”

I wished I’d somehow thought of a way to soothe his ego before we reached this point, but not every question had an easy answer. Alas, we were here now, and all I could do was try to mend the tattered remains of the affection he’d once had for me.

“She was the reason I fell into it to begin with,” I admitted. “During a normal bloodcrazed frenzy, we want blood. But I fixated on her. Nothing could keep me from her, Jax. Not even my own coven-mates.”

Jax’s jaw worked as he faced me again, but he wouldn’t meet my gaze. He was hurt, and of course, he wanted to protect himself from getting even more hurt. But hearing me say it probably hadn’t helped.

I wanted to surge to my feet and kiss him senseless, to show him I cared for him, too. But I couldn’t scare him off. And right now, he was still in the same room, at least.

“Jax… I’m sorry.” Couldn’t hurt to repeat it, I decided. “I don’t want to throw away our history together. I always longed for you, but keeping you at arm’s length became a habit. A habit I’m sorry I ever started.”

Jax scoffed, still not meeting my eyes. So I took a chance.

“It took Mel to knock some sense into me. Hudson, too. That’s what a coven is for — that’s what you always told me. We’re better together. All of us. I’m ready to break my old habits. I want you to be more than just my coven-mate, Jax. I want to hold you like I always should have. I… want to do so much more than that.”

My voice growing rough with emotion, I forged ahead, because Jax wasn’t talking, but I had caught his gaze.

“You’re going to see a side of me you’ve never seen before, Jax. I never showed you how much I cared about you before. I took what you offered and gave nothing in return. Let me make it up to you?”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Jax muttered.

I surged to my feet, putting my hands on either side of his hips, pinning him to the counter. But I didn’t kiss him. Instead, I waited, my lips an inch away from his. I stared at them, longing to feel them crushed against mine for the first time since Lughnasa.

But I’d promised to give, not take. So instead, I kissed the juncture between his neck and shoulder, right on the curve, right where I knew he liked it.

“I won’t forgive myself until you do, Jax,” I whispered as my lips grazed his skin.

He let out a breathy little exhale, and that was all it took to get me hard. I ground my erection into him, letting him feel how much I wanted him.

“Let me make it up to you.” I kissed my way up to his ear. “How does one orgasm for every year apart sound?”

He chuckled, and I pulled back to gauge his expression.

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