Page 52 of Hell to Slay

I spent Hudson’s whole shift thinking about what to say to Jax, turning the words over and over in my mind. I’d never been good at relationships. The thing with Vaughn had taken me by surprise, and then I’d ruined it horribly. I really had no idea how to bring Jax around.

When Hudson came in from the watch, I went out. He raised an eyebrow at me as I passed, and I shook my head.

The cool night air reminded me we’d come back out of the infernal realm well into the following month. Summer had fled, and good riddance. Charlotte’s heat was nothing like what I’d gotten used to in certain parts of California, but I still liked these temperatures better.

Once more, my thoughts turned to Jax. Since when had I turned into a soft-hearted fool for my coven-mates? I’d spent my entire adult life fleeing from these types of relationships, and here I was, all tangled up over my first love.

Maybe confessing my love for Jax would make him stop and listen. But then again, he’d told me I’d had my chance. I could see where he was coming from. He’d tried to reach me over the years, and I’d given him the silent treatment. Him doing the same to me served me right. I couldn’t deny that.

Brick by brick, I’d forced Jax to build a wall between us… first with our fling, where I wouldn’t let him get too close to me. Then when I refused to return his calls or messages afterward. Then the way I’d held myself apart from him on our unit’s first mission. How I’d kept him at arm’s length during the ceremony that created our coven. On and on, I’d pushed him away, and so he’d built his wall higher and higher.

Tearing it down all at once would be too easy.

Hudson was right. This called for some major groveling. And I wasn’t too proud to do it.

The sun rose, covering everything in morning dew, and by the time I came back inside, everyone was up. Jax was in the kitchen, as usual.

“No need for you to go on watch, little witch,” I murmured to Mel as I passed.

I gave her a peck on the cheek even though my body longed to do so much more than that. I wanted to break in every room of her home with her screaming my name in each one. But that would have to wait. I couldn’t afford to give Jax even one more brick for his wall.

“Since you’re all up, I’m going to go take a shower,” Mel said. “If anyone shows up, come get me?”

“Of course.” I watched her sashay down the hallway, not missing the opportunity to look at her perfect bottom. Tempest trotted along behind her like an actual pet.

“I’m going on a resupply run,” Hudson announced, patting my shoulder as he passed. “We’ve been gone so long, we’re lucky Jax found anything to cook at all.”

“The freezer’s well stocked,” Jax grumbled, keeping his back to me as Hudson crossed to the front door.

He put on a jacket. “And soon the fridge and pantry will be as well.”

That left me alone in Mel’s kitchen with Jax, the island between us. The sizzling sound of something in the frying pan had my hunger rising, and from the scent, it was sausage.

“I hope the sausage isn’t freezer burned,” I said casually, gathering the resolve to talk to him. All the good lines I’d come up with last night seemed to evaporate right out of my head.

Jax stabbed the frying pan with the spatula. “We wrapped it properly, so don’t worry.” He paused, glancing over his shoulder at me. “Or do you not trust my knowledge of food safety?”

“No, it’s just — we were in the infernal realmtwice—” I pulled up short, realizing Jax and I were about to fall back into our old argumentative patterns at this rate.

So, I did what Hudson suggested. I groveled. I fell on my knees behind Jax.

“I’m an idiot, okay? I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but…”

Jax turned around, and his eyebrows climbed when he saw me on my knees beside him. “You’re right. You don’t.”

“I know.” I didn’t get up. Gazing up at him, I tried to pour all my earnestness into my expression so he could see it and believe me this time. “I left you hanging for years. That was cruel of me.”

“It was cruel,” Jax agreed. “And selfish.” He turned back to the stovetop to mess around with the sausage some more.

“I thought it was better than the alternative. I didn’t want to string you along… I never thought I was cut out for a coven.”

“Maybe you’re not.” Jax’s words were intended to hurt, but I deserved them.

“What can I do to earn your forgiveness?” I asked.

Jax went silent, and for a moment the only sounds were our heartbeats and the sizzling of the food. The tempting scent made my stomach gurgle, and I stupidly wanted to keep silent, as if to avoid Jax’s judgment.

Because this was it. I sensed that if I failed to convince Jax today, his wall would be impenetrable.

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