Page 28 of Slow Burn (The Boston Beauties)

Your friend,

Sarah Khan

I spent the first week in Sydney, where it took me a few days to adjust to the time change, recover from the two-day journey to the other side of the world, and manage all the emotions that were running through me. I was staying in an average hotel so as to not draw too much attention to myself. I was also playing it very safe. Ensuring I was only going to “good” parts of the city, and only during the day. It was the first time that I had ever travelled by myself. My recent trip to Spain was the only time I’d gone anywhere without my family; being with Zoe was close enough.

I really missed her, she had been on my mind as much as Drew and my family.

Leaving the hotel was the very last thing I wanted to do, as I was still suffering gravely from the jet lag, but I pushed through it and set out to get some fresh air and explore Sydney a bit. I’d been a lot of places in my life, but we had never traveled to Australia or New Zealand. I’d like to get over to New Zealand before I left this area of the world.

I put on shorts, a t-shirt, and a hat, forgoing the disguise and I dragged myself to Bondi beach, where I sat and watched people for hours appreciating the eye candy, thinking of how much Zoe would have enjoyed the sights. Couples walking, friends chatting, guys tossing a rugby ball, girls tanning and kids playing. They all seemed so carefree and happy. The exact opposite of how I felt.

I had lunch at a pub, listening in on strangers’ conversations, realizing that it had been days since I’d had a proper conversation with anyone other than giving a cab driver my destination. It was nearly dusk by the time I got back to my hotel and cried myself to sleep again.

The next day, I went shopping at a mall where I finished stocking up on gym wares and other things I would need over the next few months for my in-residence boot camp I was about to check into for at least the next four months. It was about three hours north of Sydney, basically in the middle of nowhere, but on the ocean, so at least I’d have the familiar sound of the water.

All the items that I had purchased over the past few days were packed in the new suitcase I’d also had to purchase, and were waiting to go.

The phone seemed to ring before my eyes even closed. The TV was still on, and I didn't feel as if I slept at all. I was catching an early bus up the coast to a small town a few hours north, near the retreat, and then taking a cab the rest of the way.

‘This is your wake-up call as requested, Ms. Khan.’

‘Thanks,’ I told the lady on the other end, and hung up.

I looked at the ceiling of my hotel. This was the first day of my journey. I was checking into a wellness retreat. It not only focused on weight loss, but it stressed mental awareness, focus and purpose. I was going to be doing both, however, I’d have to really go over my backstory a bit more so I didn’t give anything about my true identity away.

I called down to room service and ordered granola with fruit and yogurt, then dragged myself to the shower, which did wake me slightly. I dried my hair that I had colored back to my natural light brown and had cut two days ago at a walk-in salon at a mall I had been shopping at.

~

There were people at the retreat who stayed for a few days to a few weeks. I had been told, few had ever booked in for four months. But I really didn’t have anywhere else to go, nothing else to do, so why not challenge myself to be the person I’d always want to be physically. With any luck, the solace and self-reflection would help me figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

The first two months were hardest for me. While I knew my journey was going to be hard physically, I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was emotionally.

I’d learned that detoxing sugar was stressful, and it was just as important to speak with a counsellor about emotional shit as it was to train your muscles physically. It was just that I couldn’t really speak with anyone about it. I was too scared someone might put two and two together. However, to be fair, my disappearance wasn’t even on the radar here, and in all likelihood, I had nothing to worry about. In light of not wanting to speak with counsellors at the moment, I read self-help books covering lots of topics.

Before even arriving at the retreat, the news at home reported that the mission was now being considered a recovery effort, that sufficient evidence had been found to rule it a homicide, and that Matt had been arrested. I was pleased with myself that all the evidence I planted passed as legitimate.

After two weeks, the search for me had been called off. It was an awful feeling that had settled over me. For all intents and purposes, I had been declared dead. My parents were mourning yet another child and were childless.

I channeled all my emotions I was feeling into working out and training, I had only allowed myself a few days to get acquainted with the machines and routines, but after there was no more news to follow, I fully immersed myself physically and mentally.

Breton was back at school for his final semester at MIT and was already setting his sights on a job come graduation in December. I was in minimal contact with him, but we still checked in every few days. I was also an emotional basket case when we spoke, but it was harder to stay away. Basically, every call for the first few weeks ended with me in tears and begging him to let me speak to my parents.

The blog was my solace at the end of the day. I looked forward to reading my new addiction on Miley’s blog all day. A young adult, paranormal romance story, where, she released a chapter every few days. It wasn’t my usual genre, but fuck if it wasn’t the best and hottest thing I’d ever read.

It was a genius concept. As if the site wasn’t already popular enough, this addicting story has launched it into wider, international fame, so much so that it caused her site to crash last week for a few days.

The first month was hard, both emotionally and physically. I missed home so bad that I sobbed, my muscles hurt so much that it hurt to sit and pee, and at times I felt so hungry that I thought I may pass out. Needless to say, I hated the first few weeks and thought about quitting almost every day. But then I remembered I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was safe and secluded.

A month in, things started to get a bit easier for me, I had lost almost twenty pounds, and I was so happy that I was starting to see results. I began to push myself a little harder every day in the gym. I started taking notes on the food I was eating, journaling my emotions, and working through some online self-help programs designed by life coaches.

I had been doing so well, but then November rolled around, and bam, all the holiday posts started appearing on the blog. I thought that being away, there would be less influence and I’d breeze through, but it proved to be my breaking point.

JESSA:I want to call home

BRETON:You know that’s not a good idea

JESSA:I’m not asking

---