Page 23 of Slow Burn (The Boston Beauties)

DREW:Like really talk? Can I hear your voice? See your face?

CUPCAKE:Maybe a Skype date, I’ll see what Breton thinks.

DREW:I miss you

CUPCAKE:Same here

DREW:Are you safe? Happy?

CUPCAKE:Safe yes, happy… I’m getting there, taking your advice actually and finding myself

DREW:I couldn’t be happier then.

CUPCAKE:You?

DREW:I’m safe, no worries

CUPCAKE:ha ha ha

DREW:I’ve been existing, now I think I can start to live again.

‘Drew?’ Lisa’s voice took me away from my phone, I was standing out front of the house. ‘Are you ready to leave?’

Lisa and I were set to move into a 1-bedroom apartment on May 1st. I needed a plan, some excuses. It wasn’t going to end well, I knew that much.

Lisa still lived with her parents and had wanted to get her own place for a while, but she’d never been able to really afford a place on her own, not with the prices on the Cape. When I mentioned I was looking for a place, she proposed living together, and I agreed. Knowing how expensive places were on the Cape, it seemed to make sense. I only signed a year lease, and I was upfront with her that I may move to Boston eventually, and that I’d be there for extended amounts of time this summer due to the renovations of the departures terminal. It was a huge job, and I was in charge of it.

She didn’t like that I’d be away a lot, or that I was even considering moving. I saw how it looked, that I wasn’t fully committed to her, but the truth was, I wasn’t. My career was more important to me, it had always been. Jessa had been the only person it came second to. Lisa kept pressuring me to set up a base on the Cape, which I was considering; she would do anything to get me to plant roots here. I didn’t have a base at the moment, working from home, and meeting clients at their own offices or homes as needed.

After dinner at her grandparents, I wanted to drop her off at her aunt's and go back to the Cape. The whole drive I spent playing excuse after excuse in my head, but I didn’t want to make a scene in front of her family. I could withstand another night with her.

I pulled out my computer as soon as I got in, ‘I have to get some things done,’ I told her, heading for the door as she was changing into her pajamas. ‘I’ll be a few hours.’

I was able to get some work done, but what I really wanted to do was to call Jessa, text her, fly to her. It was still hard to believe. Until I heard her voice or saw her face, I didn’t think I would fully comprehend it.

Thankfully, Lisa was asleep when I changed and crawled into bed a few hours later. I couldn’t be with her again. Not when I knew Jessa was alive. Whether she was waiting for me or not, she was mine and we would be together again.

Lying in bed that night, I knew everything had changed. I knew that I couldn’t move in with Lisa, that I couldn’t in my heart continue my relationship with her. I belonged to Jessa, and even sharing a bed with another woman, while both fully dressed, seemed a betrayal.

Easter Monday, I was distracted, but I tried as best as I could to be as present mentally as I could muster. But I was constantly thinking of Jessa.

She was alive.

Fuck, she was alive. Had been alive all this time while I’d been suffering like a wounded animal. She’d better have a good fucking excuse.

Honesty, I didn’t think she needed one. It was Jessa and I think I’d forgive just about anything.

She was fucking alive. Why did I give in to the temptations Lisa offered? I should have been stronger. Deep down, I never accepted Jessa was dead; gone yes, but not dead.

I couldn't wait to hear her explanation. When I thought about the turmoil, she had put me and my liver through, I wanted to drown her myself, but then I remembered that she was alive, and I wanted to run to her, wherever she was in the world and hold her tight and never let her go.

I was also a bit hurt that she had told her parents months ago, and I was still in the dark. I thought that I meant more to her than being an afterthought. However, it sure did explain their drastic change in their lease on life when I came back from my hiatus after the Christmas holidays.

Lisa and I drove back to the Cape later that evening. The drive felt long, and the silence only intensified the tension. I dropped her off at her parents’ place, but stayed seated in Jessa’s Audi. I didn’t even make a move to take off my seatbelt or help her with her small carry-on.

‘You coming in?’ she asked me as she was getting out.

‘No,’ I looked straight ahead.

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