Page 96 of Deeper

Callen

The soles of my shoes hit pavement, and a tingly numbness long ago took over my legs. Sweat clings to the back of my shirt while I continue my path to nowhere. The bright stars in the sky light up the night around me, and the moon hangs overhead. I came home from Rylan’s house a few hours ago, and I’ve been walking ever since, trying to clear my head. Trying to figure out why the fuck I didn’t kill both Rylan and Tatum on the spot and skip town minutes later.

I know the answer, but I’m trying to use logic to ignore it.

I’m working a job. Clients confide in people close to them all the time, probably more so than I know. I need to clean up this mess anyway, so authorities can’t trace anything back to me through Rylan. I always finish a contract. I’ve never come close to being caught. This is what I do. This is who I am. I’ll kill Number One. I’ll make sure the trail of evidence points to someone else. Then, I’ll get the hell out of here.

Bullshit! Every bit of that rationale is complete delusion. I’m making pussy excuses.

The reason I’m still here, the reason I’m continuing forward with this job, the reason both those girls are still breathing is because of Rylan. I care for her. I’ve fallen hard. I think I’d do just about anything she asked of me. It isn’t about the money or the job. It has everything to do with the girl.

What I’m doing isn’t smart. I’m playing with fire.

It won’t stop me. I’m going to forge ahead.

It took me three hours, many miles, and every muscle in my body to ache before I reached that conclusion. The obvious resolution. I will do this for the girl who captured my attention in a sordid club regardless of the consequences. The one who hired me to do what I do best. And the one who gets the vicious side of me like no one else could.

This is for her. I think it always has been.

I turn away from my indecision. The air flows in and out of my lungs easily on the walk back.

I will finish the job for my Little Bird.

I’ll chase away her demons.

I will make sure we’re safe from the law.

I’ll stay with Rylan long after this job is over, here or wherever we end up.

It takes a while for me to get back to the RV park, and when I do, I’m exhausted. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and sleep straight through till the sun blazes in the sky.

“That’s one mighty determined look on your face, boy.”

I reach for my gun. It’s my gut reaction.

“Fuck, Willy. Goddamn it! What the hell are you doing outside my place this late?”

“I’m closer to Louise when I’m under the stars.”

I drop my hand back to my side, and both Willy and I pretend like I didn’t almost shoot his ass.

“You have the look, Callen. You’ve been knocked off your feet by a woman.”

“Rylan is a knockout.” That’s an understatement. Despite all the trouble she’s caused.

“You’ve had a change of heart about your relationship with the girl being destructive?”

“I’m still not certain it isn’t. Honestly, I’m probably more convinced it is. But it’s worth it.”

I sit next to Willy, who scratches his chin and studies me closely. It’s only then that I realize I’ve grown used to his intrusions.

“Sometimes, something better is built on top of the destruction of what stood before.”

Guilt washes over part of me because Willy has no idea what he’s encouraging.

“I’m not so sure you’d feel the same way if you really knew me.”

“I know you better than you think. The world isn’t black and white. There is no such thing as definitive good and evil, boy. I’ve walked the earth long enough to learn that ten times over. You and that girl are good for one another. I could see that the first time I saw you together. Treat her well and heal the broken parts of her soul. She needs it. I could see that right away, too.”

“She’s strong. She’ll heal on her own, but I’ll hold her for the fight.”

Rylan doesn’t need anyone to survive, but with me, she’ll live.

And that’s what keeps me going.

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