Page 7 of Deeper

She urges me away from Dad, and my heart breaks into a million and one pieces. I can’t leave him. This can’t be the last time I see his face. This can’t be my last moment with him. I can’t let him go.

Clinging to his hand, I ask my dad for something he can’t give me. It’s rare that he doesn’t give me something I want, but this is beyond his control. “Please wake up, Dad. Please!” My voice rises in pitch and volume. “Get up! I need you to wake up. Don’t leave me. You can’t be gone. This can’t be happening.”

Aria can’t hold back her emotion any longer, and she shudders in a breath before a whimper leaves her lips.

“Please, Daddy, wake up!”

His hand is cold and lifeless in mine, and I hold it tighter, trying to warm it up like he used to do for me when I was little and it was cold out.

Red and blue lights flash outside my parents’ bedroom window.

“Rylan, please don’t do this to yourself. We need to go,” she begs while attempting to pull me away.

“Wait!”

Her struggle against me stops, and I straighten my back for the finality that’s coming. I lean down and kiss Dad’s forehead. His skin feels strange against my lips.

“Good-bye,” I whisper.

Aria rushes me from the house, and I let her drag me along, not caring where we are going or that I’m barefoot and in my pajamas. My mind shuts down to protect itself from reality. It’s easier to simply follow Aria’s directions. EMTs rush by me on our way out, and a flutter of hope soars through me that maybe they’ll be able to save him. Dad was the picture of perfect health. He bugged me yesterday about going on his eight-mile run with him. I was too busy with my homework.

I’m in a moving car before I realize it.

“What are you doing?” I can barely manage the words.

“Getting you out of there.” Aria concentrates sternly on the road in front of her.

“But you can’t drive.”

“For today, I don’t think that matters. Besides, it doesn’t seem too hard. I’m doing fine. We’ll stay in the neighborhood. A gated community doesn’t see much traffic. We’ll be fine.” The car jerks as she presses too hard on one of the pedals.

“Your mom will be pissed.”

“Our parents have bigger things to worry about. They probably won’t even notice.”

“I think we should go back, Aria. I need to be with Dad.”

My sight stays on the passing houses I’ve seen every day for my entire life, but today, they look different. She doesn’t stop or turn the car around.

“You said good-bye, Rylan. You don’t need to be there for the rest.”

What she means dawns on me. Those EMTs aren’t there to save him. They’re there to verify his death, and soon, someone will come to take him from his bed, his house, take him from me. My breathing begins to escalate. I concentrate on pushing away the panic, but worry flitters through my thoughts.

Those people are going to take Dad away from me. A vision of Mom crumpled over in the grass outside as they take Dad away, covered in a white sheet on a gurney, flashes through my mind. I fight to push the haunting image away.

I try to act normal, but nothing seems right. Aria is my safe place, but everything is off. My eyes dart around the car, and a different kind of panic seizes me.

Should I act like I’m having fun? Will I seem cold if I play that part? Should I be sullen and withdrawn? Will that project my awkwardness onto Aria?These petty insecurities rush into my head in an attempt to not focus on what’s really going on.

The death.

In one night, followed by one morning, my life has just changed forever.

“Your turn. Think you can do better than me?” My best friend stops the car and offers me the wheel.

We switch places, and I drive.

On the day I’ve lost Dad, I drive a car for the first time with my best friend in the passenger seat, just being with me. There is no excitement or pride about the rebellious act. There is only grief and a need to escape.

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