Page 34 of Deeper

Rylan

The news channels are frantic today. There was another murder. A body was found this morning, hanging from Harkness Tower at Yale. They shut the whole campus down. Scared students and teachers have been giving their sad testimonials to the news reporters all day. The media coverage plays in the background, keeping me company, while I talk to my friend. It’s time that she gets an apology from me.

Aria,

I hate that the only way I can talk to you is through these letters and that I can’t give my apologies to your face. I hope what I’ve done doesn’t forever destroy how you look at me. My heart was in the right place.

Please know, I’m trying to move on without making you hate me more, but it’s hard. I hope that, one day, you can understand all I’ve done. Maybe I don’t even need you to understand it but accept it. Accept that I am who I am, and I deal with situations in my own way.

You’ve always been the light to my dark. Without you, the dark swallows me whole. Someday, maybe I’ll find light again to even out the tainted, ugly parts of me.

I’m sorry for everything. I hope for your forgiveness every day.

I miss you. I love you almost as much as ice cream.

Rylan

I lie back on the couch and think of happier times with my friend. The first weekend after Aria got her driver’s license, we drove to Disney World. She told her parents she was staying at my place, and we took off for a couple of days. Aria has always been a princess, so the Mouse’s House was her perfect happy place. We cheered for the parade and snuck in vodka, sipping it in the restroom. We went on rides—the happy, cheerful ones for her and the fast roller coasters for me. We stayed up late and woke up early to enjoy every second of our spontaneous adventure. I haven’t thought about that weekend in a long time, and when sadness twists deep, I remember why.

Sighing, I turn my attention back to the television. The talking heads are still discussing theories on the lack of suspects and their motives. The sleepy little towns around New Haven are in a tizzy, worried that this second body means there is an actual threat to their safety. There is talk about locking doors, not being out after dark, and being aware of who’s around you.

True darkness isn’t usually so easy to see.

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