Page 110 of Deeper

Rylan

Sometimes, you meet the type of people who not only don’t judge, but also care. They empathize with what you’re going through and help you believe it’ll get better. Your words and your experiences matter to them. Those people want the best for you.

Tatum and Callen are those people for me.

But there is still a conflict inside me.

When I moved to Maplefield, I was selfish and closed off. Honestly, I still am and probably always will be to some extent. But I’ve learned that there is more than pain and darkness. There is joy, friendship, and love, too. This journey brought me Tatum and Callen. Willy, too. I might not know him as well as Callen does, but no person has ever made as big of a sacrifice for me as he has. My own mother couldn’t even see past her own pain enough to give me the things I needed as a child. But Willy gave to me without hesitation and without strings.

They have changed me. I’ve learned that my past doesn’t have to hold me back from anything. I can have a future with all the great pleasure life can offer. Those things for me might not be the same as anyone else, but my life can be good. It can be full, through my friendship with Tatum and my love for Callen. What he and I share consumes me every second I’m awake and doesn’t waver a bit when I’m asleep. I have people in my life that I love and that love me. I never thought I’d have that again.

But I’ll always be a monster.

The sudden loss of my father, the selfish death of my mother, and the senseless death of my best friend changed me forever. I can heal, but I’ll never be the same. I’ll try to remember my dad as the man who taught me to catch a ball, my mom as the woman who made my friends and I laugh till our sides hurt, and Aria as the dreamer who worked endlessly to vanquish my real-life nightmares,

But, as for me, I’ve finally settled into the person I was meant to be.

Obsessive. Emotional. Thrill-seeking. Chaotic.

Selfish.

Loving.

Cruel.

Kind.

Unapologetic.

I am who I am.

I want to grow with the people I’ve let into my life. I want to live the way I need to, content with the good and the bad about me. Most of all, I want them to love me, despite my darkness, too.

Because the darkness will always have a piece of me, and it’s pulling at me once again.

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