Page 91 of When You're Gone

‘Nana, it’s complicated.’ I say the tired words that seem to fall off my tongue on auto-repeat.

‘It’s not.’ Nana coughs, and then her eyes roll and close. ‘It’s only complicated if you let it be.’

Nate hurries to help her. He slides a confident hand behind her and slaps her back firmly. Ben and I watch, like a pair of emotional idiots. Her face is pale like garden lilies, but Nana moistens her lips slowly with her tongue and carries on, determined.

‘It’s never about how long you love someone, Holly. It’s about how much. Five minutes, five years…’ Nana draws a deep crackling breath, and everyone else holds theirs in response, waiting. ‘It’s about how much,’ she puffs out. ‘How much. If a lifetime is a day, make it the best day ever.’

Nana closes her eyes, and the sound of uneven breaths ripping in her mouth and huffing back out is cumbersome and takes over the room. We all wait in silence for her to say more.

‘Marry the boy. Don’t waste time. Time is precious. There is never enough of it.’

Nana’s eyes close again, but this time, they don’t flicker back open. She’s said her piece, and content, her smile widens as she falls into sleep once more.

Nate’s eyes meet mine, and when he smiles at me, I sigh, knowing my grandmother is right. I really should just marry the boy already.If only it were that simple.

‘What do you think she means?’ Ben says. ‘Do you think she means you’re a pair of gobshites for calling the wedding off in the first place? BecauseIdo. I think that’s exactly what she means.’ A smug smile is plastered so wide across Ben’s face I want to ask him if his jaw aches.

‘Yeah, well. It’s not as simple as that,’ I say with a snort.

‘I bet that’s what Nana told Sketch too,’ Ben says, drawing on the obvious parallel. ‘And by the sounds of things, she has her regrets.’ Ben’s smile fades, and a seriousness that I’m not used to creeps into his eyes. ‘Look,’ he continues. ‘If the worst does happen, and the little tyke doesn’t make it, don’t you think you’re going to need each other more than ever?’

Nate doesn’t take his eyes off me. I can feel the heat of his stare singe me.

‘Dammit, Ben,’ I growl.

‘Admit it, Hols,’ Ben says. ‘Your argument sucks and I have a point.’

Nana laughs. It’s a subtle inner giggle, but she’s listening.

THIRTY-SEVEN

HOLLY

Nana’s hospital room door creaks open, and my mother’s head appears in the gap.

‘It’s time.’ She swallows. ‘The ambulance is waiting downstairs.’

The room was silent before Mam spoke, but a sudden, new silence takes over now. It’s eerie and all-consuming. This silence lingers for too long, crushing us all with its heavy presence.

‘Nana, we’re moving to your new room,’ I say, taking initiative as I stroke Nana’s wiry silver hair off her forehead.

My mother doesn’t stray from the doorway. My father is standing behind her. I can’t see him clearly because the open door hinders my view, but I imagine he has his hand in hers or around her waist or something. Supporting her without words. Supporting her the best way he can.

‘The nurse will be here at any minute. She’ll tidy up all these wires and things and get Nana comfortable,’ Mam explains, unable to bring her eyes to look at the medical equipment draping from Nana as if she’s a puppet on strings.

‘Okay,’ I say. ‘And then we’ll go straight to the hospice?’

‘Holly…’ My father pauses and clears his throat. ‘Only one person is allowed to travel in the ambulance with Nana.’

I nod. I know that person is rightly my mother.

‘Traffic is crazy in the city, so by the time Nana arrives at the hospice and is comfortable and settled, visiting hours will probably be over,’ my father adds, his eyes drifting to the ground.

Ben stiffens. I can sense his distress from across the room. Nate reaches for my hand, and without overthinking it, I grab on tight, crushing his finger.

‘We can’t see her again tonight?’ I shake my head.

‘Not tonight,’ Dad says. ‘You guys have been here all day. Nana would be so proud of you. It’s time to go home and get some rest now, okay?’

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