Page 67 of In The Game

Me: Oh yeah? What are you going to do to include him?

Barrett: Easy. We could go to the zoo—we’ve got passes—or bowling, there’s a couple G-rated animated movies at the theater.

Barrett: We could hang out at my place down by the lake, I’ve got a decent beach.

Barrett: Or we could go for a hike, a bike ride, check out a new playground, have a picnic.

Barrett: There’s mini golf, the arcade, the children’s museum, the children’s bookstore.

Barrett: Go to the amusement park or visit the aquarium.

Barrett: We could watch planes fly over us at Fort Snelling. Take him to a fun restaurant.

Barrett: I could buy him some skates and we could go to the arena, probably get Fred to give him a ride on the Zamboni if he’s around.

Me: Jesus, did you think all that up just now?

Barrett: Yeah. Well… actually I was hoping someday I could take him out for a boys day. So I’ve been bouncing ideas around.

Me: I see. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

Barrett: I know, I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew you felt comfortable with me spending one-on-one time with him.

Me: Thanks, I appreciate that.

Barrett: But I won’t be as patient with you.

I’m already being sucked back into Barrett’s orbit. I haven't felt that heady vibration of feelings and attraction in years. I forgot what it was like to feel wanted in that way. It’s been so long. I’m addicted, I need more. And that orgasm,holy shit. I don’t even remember the last time I had one so powerful.

TWENTY-SIX

Arthur is humming in the back seat while I drive us to the zoo to use his passes from Barrett. He’s only had a couple interactions with him, but he’s done phenomenal. Though, I’m unsure if I am ready for him to become somebody who shows up regularly in Arthur’s life.

Am I being naive and putting Arthur in jeopardy of having his heart broken? What if parenthood becomes too much for Barrett and he decides he can’t handle it? Sure, we have good days, but Arthur is still young. He comes with mood swings and whining, some days are really fucking hard. Barrett hasn’t seen that side.

The twenty-minute drive to the zoo is the perfect environment for my anxiety to build. I’m guilty of overthinking things when I get stressed out, and nothing has brought on more stress than Barrett showing up. I’m torn at how I feel about his return. Those gifts were sweet, but they don’t make up for his absence. Why the fuck couldn’t he have checked his own Instagram? This literally could have all been avoided if he read his goddamn DMs. I’m not blameless, I should have exchanged contact info with him earlier. I should have said goodbye.

It’s not his fault, and yes, a lot of my anger is misdirected, but after writing him off for so long, it’s hard to switch gears and welcome him into our lives with open arms. There’s so much making up to do. It’s going to be a lot of work, from all three of us. Do I let him try? He’s clearly putting in the effort. He has stayed true to his word by calling and texting every day.

Arthur wants a dad; he’s mentioned it before. If I was simply looking to give him a father, I’m sure I could find someone, but any man who’s expressed an attraction hasn’t felt right. It always appears like they’re interested in me, and my child is simply part of my baggage. Arthur deserves a good role model, one who’s present and invested, not just along for the ride. There’s also the matter of co-parenting. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. We have all these set routines.

Fuck, I’m getting way ahead of myself.

I turn the radio up, trying to drown out my thoughts. Why am I already entertaining these ideas? Probably because it seems like we’re on the precipice of some next step with Barrett. If he’s interested in being a dad, then I should allow him to prove himself. I’d want him to give me a chance if the situation were reversed, right? Whatever, I would have checked my own fucking messages instead of getting someone else to do it for me. Ugh, I could go around in circles with this all fucking day. If I’m looking to place blame, it should be on that PR woman. Not Barrett.

I park the car. “We’re here!”

Arthur unbuckles his booster seat. Hopefully it’s not too nuts today. I grab our backpack lunch and walk around the car to open his door.

“Take my hand.” His little fist clutches mine, and I’m suddenly very appreciative for this gift, it’s a special day for me to have with Arthur. The zoo is expensive, we haven’t visited many times. Which sucks, especially since my child is such an animal lover. I open my wallet and pull out the zoo membership cards.

“Can we see the koalas first?”

“There’s a lot of terrific animals here, so let’s start at the beginning and work our way through as we go. We don’t want to miss anything, right? But we can spend extra time checking out the koalas when we get there.”

He nods and tugs me toward the entrance. We walk through the big automatic doors, then I hand the membership card over to be scanned. We’re ushered through and given a map, which Arthur takes control of. I’ll let him lead the way.

We turn the corner into a dark room that’s swallowed up by an enormous glowing aquarium that reaches the ceiling.

---