Page 58 of In The Game

“Raleigh?”

“Um, yeah, there’s plenty more on the stove.”

TWENTY-FOUR

It’s rare I describe a house as cute, but Raleigh’s little bungalow is adorable. Walking up through the front gate and seeing the warm-yellow siding with flower boxes in the windows reminded me of her softer nature. She can act tough and be defensive, but this house is filled with sunshine, and that’s all I need to know about how she and Arthur live.

I will never get over missing Arthur’s first years. My mind often wanders into how our lives might have been different had we stayed in contact. Would we have stayed together? Would I still be playing? What did she look like pregnant with my son? Would we have more kids? It’s surreal to see Raleigh so immersed in mom-life. She’s got it all, from the finger-painted artwork on the fridge, down to the fish stick cuisine… We really gotta work on his finger painting though. NASA wouldn’t approve of their rockets looking like giant intergalactic penises.

I’m jealous of her life. I know it’s not as easy as she makes it seem, it’s not all rainbows and space dicks, but it’s filled with love. She’s changed a lot. I wish I could have been here to see the transformation. Raleigh has done an amazing job raising our son without me, I only wish she hadn’t had to.

And God, Arthur’s a great kid. He’s curious and smart. He’s respectful and funny. His laugh is contagious—it’s the sound of pure joy. And I love how much we look alike. We have blonde hair, he’s got a dimple like mine, his nose and smile are mine, but those eyes are all Raleigh.

I’ve coached mites, so I know he’s tall for his age. Has he ever been on skates before? Does he have the same hockey talent as Raleigh and me? He’d make one hell of a goalie with my height and his mom’s skills. Or maybe sports won’t be his strength, maybe he’ll be into science or books or art. Either way, I hope she lets me stick around to find out. I need her to let me in so I can prove I’m not going anywhere.

After the meal, Arthur gets set up with a television show, and I clean up the toys we were playing with before dinner. When I head back toward the kitchen, I resist leaning against the doorframe and ogling the domestic porn of Raleigh at the sink doing dishes.

I sidle up next to her. “Can I help?”

“Sure,” she says, handing me a wet plate.

I take one of the towels from the wall hook and begin drying.

“Bet you didn’t think I could eat six fish finger dogs, huh?” I nudge her with my hip.

She chuckles. “I did not.”

“You’re a good cook.”

She hands me another plate. “Sorry we don’t have a dishwasher, you’re probably not used to doing dishes.”

There she goes again.

“Are you always this defensive?”

“I’m not defensive.”

“You’re making a lot of judgments about me. And a lot of assumptions about what I’m thinking. If you want to know something, ask me. I’ll tell you anything. But stop trying to read my mind…because you suck at it.”

She scrubs a bowl and then drops it back into the sudsy water and turns to me. “You’re right. We’ve led very different lives over the years, and I’m feeling a little insecure. The version of me you used to know doesn’t exist anymore.”

I scoff. “That’s bullshit.”

“What?” She blinks at me.

“I saidthat’s bullshit. You have new facets, but the woman I met back then is still a part of you. You’re more well-rounded now.” I finish drying a glass and set it aside.

“That’s for sure,” she quips. I’m not a fan of this negative self-talk she’s picked up.

Snatching the sponge from her hand, I hold it out of reach. “What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing…I’ve changed a lot.”

“We both have. Five years is a long time, and you had to grow up quickly. You were only twenty-two back then… I can barely remember being twenty-two.”

She hums in agreement. “Sometimes it feels like forever ago, other times it feels like yesterday. Can I have my sponge back?”

I drop it in the water for her to fish out, and she slaps my stomach, leaving a wet handprint. I like it. “For me, it feels like forever ago.”Especially when I look at Arthur.I’ve missed so much of his life, all of it. I want to apologize to him, to tell him I’m sorry I wasn’t here for him and his mom, but I can’t. There won’t be another day that goes by without me being a part of his life, but Raleigh has to give me the green light before he can know he has a dad. Respecting her wishes is something she needs from me, and I’ll give her whatever she requests. I’m prepared to give her everything.

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