Page 106 of In The Game

He smacks my butt, then we crawl under the new, dry, fresh-smelling sheets. It’s so comfortable and safe here. He drapes his arm across Arthur and me, and the weight of it puts my body into deep relaxation. All three of us in this bed, I’ve never felt more whole. It’s a feeling I’ve been chasing all my life.

The drowsiness swallows me up, I’m two seconds from falling asleep when he whispers my name. At least I think it was him. I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or awake.

“Hmm?” I mumble, unable to open my eyes.

“I love waking up next to you, baby… even when we’re covered in piss.”

THIRTY-EIGHT

The sun is just coming up, it’s probably only been a few hours since we went to bed, but my internal clock is an early riser. Waking up next to the two of them floods me with a feeling of contentment I can’t put into words. I’m enraptured by them. I gently brush the hair out of Raleigh’s face so I can watch her sleep. The most beautiful woman in the world is in my bed, with our son sandwiched between us. It doesn’t get better than this.

The more time I spend with Arthur and Raleigh, the more I realize I have a decision to make. I missed out on five years; do I want to travel for the rest of my career and miss out on more time with them? More mornings like this?

Especially Arthur, this is a critical time in his life, I want to be here for it. Leaning over, I press a kiss to the top of his head. I love how much he looks like me. I never thought I would ever feel happiness like this. Hockey has never made me feel the way this does. And let’s be honest, how many more years do I have left in this sport? My body is tired. I’m thirty-eight, I’m fucking lucky I’ve made it this long. Gretzky retired at thirty-eight.

I haven’t talked to my agent yet. But if I’m going to pull the plug, I have to give them a heads-up. I love the Lakes; they’ve been my home for the last fifteen years. I don’t want to leave them high and dry.

When I turned thirty-five, I opted for an annual one-year contract with performance bonuses. It gives me a little more freedom to move around if I need to, but now that’s the opposite of what I want to do. Previously, I waffled back and forth about retirement, I didn’t know what I’d do. Now when I think of retiring, I’m relieved. I know exactly what my focus will be: my family. Even Camp Conway would be a much better use of my time—and I need all the time I can get.

I need to call Sully, as I have no idea how to navigate this and I’m not ready to break the news to my agent and excite anyone, especially until I talk to Raleigh and get her opinion. If I bring it up now, she’ll freak out; I know how she is. She won’t want to be the reason for me retiring. She’d want me to continue my career. But if it’s between her and Arthur or my career, it’s them. Every fucking time.

I lift the sheet and slip out of bed. I’ll get more mornings like this, but my head is swimming and I need to get some of my thoughts off my chest before they wake up.

Unplugging my phone from the charger, I take it downstairs and go outside. As I walk toward the lake, I call up my best friend. “Hey. How’s retired life?”

“Boring as hell. I need some hobbies or something. I’m getting sick of golfing. I need something else, a project or hobby or something.”

I laugh. “Maybe you need a woman.”

“Ha! Maybe. Speaking of, how are things with Raleigh? She hasn’t gotten sick of your ass yet?”

The sound of the water lapping at the shore calms some of my nerves.

“Actually, that’s kinda why I’m calling. I need some advice.”

“Uh-oh. You calling me for relationship advice is never good. What’s up?”

No reason to beat around the bush. “I want to retire.”

Silence.

“...You there?”

“Yeah…yeah, I’m just… wow. Shit, retire? What’s driving this?”

“Seriously? You know what’s driving it.” It’s her. It’sthem.

He lets out a long whistle. “It’s that serious, huh?”

I shake my head, trying to find the words to describe it, but I can’t. There aren’t words big enough. “Christ, Sull. It’s like nothing else. I missed out on so much. I don’t want to lose another second with them. They’re my everything, I’ve fallen so fucking hard. For both Raleigh and Arthur… I want them more than the game or championship trophies, more than performance bonuses. More than anything I’ve wanted before. I can’t explain it.”

The sound of coffee mugs clinking comes through the line and then the sound of pouring. It’s early to be laying this much on him. “Do you think you’re getting ahead of yourself here?”

“Fuck, probably. But what’s my alternative? Wasting more time? I know she’s it. So why delay the inevitable? I need to be here for them. I don’t want to miss out on Arthur’s milestones. I’m already irritated I’m making her a hockey widow for the upcoming season. I have a contract for the next year, but after that, I’m out.”

“Conway, hockey wives parent solo anyway. It’s what they sign up for.”

I shake my head. “No. She never signed up for this. Our situation is different.”

---