Page 86 of In The Game

“I don’t care.”

“Are you squeamish with blood?”

“Raleigh. I play hockey.”

She chuckles, and I scoot closer while she pulls out her phone. God, she smells good tonight. I don’t know if it’s her hair or perfume, but I want to be covered in it. She scrolls through the photo gallery thumbnails until she finds the video. We lean in to watch. She taps play on the center of the screen and suddenly it’s like I can’t breathe. I’m sent back in time. Raleigh as I knew her then. Still as gorgeous as she is now butdifferent. She looks so much younger. And scared. Nervous for what’s to come. I can’t imagine.

Seeing her on the surgical table, with ambient sounds of doctors and nurses, suction, clanging instruments, and beeping all around her, triggers a dark feeling inside me. It’s strange and familiar, something I haven’t felt for a long time. And then it dawns on me, it’sfear. I know she survives this because she’s sitting next to me, but the image of her so vulnerable turns my stomach. Her eyes are wide and wild, focused on someone off to the side of the camera. I assume Heather, the nurse.

“You’re doing great. Almost there, Raleigh,” the woman behind the screen says.

Raleigh rolls her lips together and nods.She was alone.She was fucking alone at the birth of our child. She needed me. And I wasn’t there for her. I should have been the one coaching her on and reassuring her.

How the hell did she go through this? She’s resilient, but it’s because she had to be. And my absence during some of the hardest times of her life hardened her to be what she is today. It smothered the carefree version of her I used to know. When I glance over at her, she’s got a big smile on her face, her eyes still focused on the phone screen.

“Okay, get ready,” she says, smiling even bigger now.

Cheers play through the speaker, and it pulls my gaze back to the phone.

“It’s a boy!”

“We have a boy!”

“He’s a boy!”

The camera pans over, just as they drop the blue plastic curtain and a doctor holds up the tiny Arthur for Raleigh to see. Umbilical cord still attached, covered in red and white. His little cry is raspy, but mighty.

I watch in awe. He’s perfect. The camera pans down and she’s smiling through happy tears. They both look so beautiful, and my eyes swell with emotion. I place my palm on her thigh.

“You’re doing great, Raleigh! We’re going to start stitching you up. We’re going to get him measured and swaddled, then you’ll be able to hold him.”

There’s more suction noises and then the video ends.

I wipe my hand down my face. It’s my son’s birth. Of course I’m going to get choked up.

“Here, I have some baby pictures too.” She swipes and taps the screen a few times, opening an album, titledArthurwith a bear emoji. She hands the phone over. “You can swipe through them if you want.”

“Of course I want to.” I smile, getting a peek into the little windows of the beginning of his life. Her sweet face glows in a few of their selfies together. Most are of Arthur, but as I flip through the ones with Raleigh in them, I notice she looks more and more tired with each one.

“Please tell me there was somebody to help you when you got home.”

She looks away from me and takes a sip.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. “Ral.”

“What?”

I hand her phone back, feeling sick. I loathe myself. My fingers twitch, wanting to punch something. I take a deep breath, hoping for some composure. “How could I have left you alone? I’ll never be able to make it up, will I?”

She grimaces and takes my hand, squeezing it. “Don’t be like that. We made it fine, and I’m glad you’re here now.”

My heart aches for her.Pull it together.“I am too.”

“I should have left my number.” She snaps her fingers as if to saydrat, trying to make light of it, but I’m not laughing. Her small hand rests atop mine. “It’s okay, Barrett. Let’s move forward.”

It’s definitely not okay, but I’ll never be absent from their life again. I turn to face her, and she looks up at me with those big cinnamon-honey eyes.

“I’m always going to be here for you. Even if you find somebody else, it will be me supporting you and Arthur. Always. I don’t want you to feel like it’sjust youever again.”

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