Page 57 of In The Game

“Because you’re ripped.”

“Huh?”

I giggle to myself, amused at how the joke landed so flat.

“It was a joke, you know becauserippedmeans you have big muscles.”

More silence.

“We’ll work on the jokes next time.”

Thankfully, he can’t see the smile on my face. I wish I could stop it, but it’s involuntary. Listening to my son play and be silly is impossible to ignore. As hard as it is to admit, it’s kind of incredible. They’ve formed this little bond before dinner’s even finished cooking. He pays attention to Arthur and talkstohim rather thanathim. He asks him about his interests and ideas, not canned questions about what he’s learning in school. And he really listens to him. He seems genuinely invested in spending this time with my son. I can’t deny he’s making an effort.

I pull the fries out of the oven, but as I plate everything, I’m hit with a wave of self-consciousness about the menu. Arthur loves tonight’s meal, but I’m guessing Barrett Conway isn’t accustomed to eating ‘fish finger dogs’ which are essentially frozen fish sticks on squished hot dog buns with slaw and aioli—a.k.a. garlic and mayonnaise.

Whatever, this is our life now. He wants a piece of us? Have at it. What you see is what you get. Our chicken is dinosaur shaped, sandwiches come with the crust cut off, and every pancake has mouse ears. It’sglamorous.

“Dinner’s ready.”

“Nice!” they exclaim in unison.

Arthur squeals as he rides on Barrett’s back into the kitchen. When I see my son grinning like that, it’s impossible not to smile. Barrett pauses his piggyback ride and bites his lip while very obviously checking me out. I respond with an eye roll and turn around so he can’t see the irrepressible blush.Why does he still affect me like this?It’s only because he’s physically attractive and it’s been too long since I’ve had an orgasm.

“Arthur, don’t forget to wash your hands.”

He runs off to the bathroom, and Barrett washes up in the kitchen sink while I set the plates on the table. It’s strange having the table set for three people. We don’t usually have guests eating dinner with us.

“This looks really good, Ral.”

I put my napkin on my lap. “You don’t have to say that.”

“Say what?”

“Oh yeah, Bear, fish finger dogs are the height of elegance.” I bounce my eyebrows once.

My child comes tearing into the kitchen and pulls out the chair next to Barrett.

“How about you let me worry about what I like and don’t like?” He takes a huge bite and smiles. “...I like when you call me Bear and I like fish finger dogs.”

“Ilovefish finger dogs!” Arthur says, digging in. “Derishush!”

“See?” Barrett says. “Better than the Reuben.”

That’s a load of shit, but I appreciate his attempt. I smile around a bite and pick up a french fry. “You guys are ridiculous.”

He groans out loud after taking a bite. Then Arthur joins in, and they’re making total buffoons of themselves. It becomes more and more exaggerated, and Arthur’s never giggled so much at dinner. I eventually lose it and have to cover my face from laughter. Tonight is more enjoyable than I expected. I’m trying to let my guard down, but it’s hard.

I always said I wouldn’t stand in the way of Arthur and his dad if he wanted to build a relationship with his father. I wish my dad had made even a fraction of the effort Barrett has tonight. But he still needs to show me he’s up for the job if he wants to be a part of Arthur’s life. Parenthood is hard, and I’ve always done it alone. I don’t know if I’d even knowhowto co-parent with another person.

I look over the two of them; they’re so similar. It’s strange to see them together like this. It feels like two worlds, my past and my present, colliding. Though, deep down, I know Barrett and Arthur have been connected since conception—half of Arthur is Barrett whether I like it or not. My mind wants to believe that this scene could be the future, but envisioning that is out of the question. Barrett could leave tonight and never return. This could be the end for us. But, damn, it’s hard to ignore how good he is with Arthur… And Arthur seems to enjoy him too.

The worst thing I could do is get him attached and then have Barrett bolt on us. That would wreck him. I know how bad it hurts because it wrecked me. I hope he understands what’s at stake by him coming around. This isn’t some “try it for a while and see if I like it” situation, he’s either ready or he’s not. And he needs to decide after tonight. And if he’s not, then he needs to leave us alone. I can’t have the inconsistency of someone coming in and out of his life.

Unfortunately, I can already see Arthur is getting attached to Barrett, so I hope he sticks around for his sake. He’s my baby, I never want to see him hurt. However, when I look at Barrett, his eyes tell me he’s hurting too. I suspect he’s becoming equally attached. It defrosts my cold heart. Only a little.

“Mind if I grab another one?” Barrett asks. That was fast.

I sort of stare at him for a while,what’s your plan with us?

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