Page 81 of The Bodyguard Proposal

I'm getting numb, so I am surprised I can ask, “Why?”

He’s shaking his head as if urging himself to keep going. “You don’t keep me objective. It’s—everything is getting difficult. And it will get more difficult when we get back.”

I pick up a biscuit as if nothing is wrong. As if my current reality is not a brittle structure crumbling around me.

“I… get that,” I say, my mind shutting down and going panic-quiet. “I know everything changes when I’m famous.”

“You'll have a completely different schedule and additional security needs.”

“Again, you are not telling me something I don't know.”

We are speaking nonchalantly, as if the conversation isn’t artillery fire.

As if I’m not trying to ingest the lump of his decision. Rationalize that he’s probably right. We’ve breached so many bodyguard protocols, it is laughable. I can’t imagine us going back and falling back into our normal roles. The thought of making small talk with Huan, or seeing him standing with other bodyguards like he’s the same as them?—

I can’t.

I’ve seen the dynamics with my mother. I’ve watched her with her staff, and how she has to be perfect Shreya Chahal around them because in Pollywood love becomes plastic under the spotlight, pressures, and power dynamics. No matter how it feels different, how you tell yourself it’s different, people change in those circumstances.

One of my favourite nannies spoke to the tabloids after she left us.

She had been with us for almost ten years before that.

“Why are you saying this now, Huan?”

Perfect Pollywood-Komal's voice does not tremble. Am I putting her back on again?

“I don't want it to be a surprise when I resign after London," admits Huan hoarsely. “I don't want to—I can't hurt you.”

The pits of his eyes are pools of misery.

“But we have time left,” I say, aware I’ve cramped my fingers with how tightly they’ve curled into each other.Don't end it when I'm not remotely ready.“Even if everything changes when we go back, let’s make the best of however many days are left. Why are you talking about the ending when we can still pretend for a while?”

What a well-delivered proposal I've given him. There is no way he can refuse it, but this is Huan. He is sensible, and he keeps insisting he does not want to hurt me. Guess I'll have to tell him that doing this hurts me.

“Listen.”Great, even voice.“I know we're not being responsible, but that's the whole point of my trip. I wanted to be in London in a way I can't be in India. And—if you tell me I can't be, then this whole trip falls apart. I don't think—I’m not ready?—”

My world is spinning. It’s as if he’s scooped away my sense of balance with this announcement. Doesn’t he see?

“Nothing changes.” Huan frowns. “Whatever you want, this trip is going to go that way.”

“I’m not forcing you. I don't want that, either.”

“You don't have to. I'm not leaving.”

How is this going to work? How is this going to feel less painful? Are we delaying the inevitable?

I fold my napkin into a square as if this is a real business meeting. “What do you suggest?”

"How many adventures do you have lined up?”

“So many.”

“Whatever you want to do on this trip, I’m making it happen. Just tell me.”

Be with me.

No, can’t say that. Instead, I joke. “I’ll ask for it all. You shouldn’t give me free rein.”

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