Page 80 of A Dark Melody

“Why have me on your bus?”

“Because you deserve some freedom, and it’s the only way I can think of getting you some. We have an extra bunk. We will drink, play some games, and have some fucking fun. Don’t get me wrong, your bus has the added benefit of fewer people on it, but it’s like a cage. Sue watches you like a hawk. There is a lock on the bathroom door. It’s a prison. On my bus, you can just exist for a few hours. You are suffocating on that bus.”

Tears threaten to spill out of my eyes. He got it. He got me. He cares about me, more than anyone else ever has. I don’t know what to say. He could tell I was suffocating. He wanted to give me freedom. That is more than anyone has ever done forme, more than any ex-boyfriend or friend, more than my own mother.

Abbey?” He asks after a moment of me just staring at him.

“Yes.”

“Does that sound like a good prize?”

“Yes.” I nod. “It sounds wonderful.”

The server brings out our dessert and sets it in the middle of the table. He hands us each a spoon.

“Anything else I can get you?” The server asks.

“Another round, or no?” Wes asks me.

“I’m good for now.” I say.

“No. We are good. Thank you.” Wes waits for the server to leave before taking a scoop. “It’s delicious. Trust me, it’s less like eating and more like enjoying.”

I scoop up a bite.

He is right. It really does taste amazing. It's not enough to fully distract me from the fact I am eating even more food, but enough for me not to completely hate myself. Plus, I wasn’t just eating it because it tasted good. I was eating it to prove to him I could be normal, that I was trying. I want him to see how badly I want that damn prize, that freedom, how badly I want him.

I take another bite, and he smiles, following suit.

“Good girl.” I remove the spoon slowly from my mouth, seductively looking into his eyes. I lick the tip before taking another bite. “Evil girl.” He chuckles.

I shrug as he finishes it off.

“Good, wasn’t it?”

“Very.” I nod.

“Another drink or save it for the bar?”

“Bar.” I pause. “I need to use the bathroom before we leave.”

“I should, too. You go. I’ll pay and meet you in the lobby.” I nod, taking a sip of water. I get up and grab my purse. “And Abbey.” I look at him. “I trust you.” He smiles. I nod to that.

I pee and flush the toilet. I stand over it, watching the water rise. I could easily have my fingers down my throat. I could easily be hollow again, but I think about Wes believing in me, trusting me. I couldn’t let him down again. Plus, I want the chance to maybe go on his bus. Yes, it was a big maybe, but I know part of the chance depended on me not throwing up, so I force myself to leave the stall.

I wash my hands and reapply lipstick. I can feel the other girls in the bathroom looking my way. Some of them probably know who I am. I pretend not to notice their eyes on me. I wonder if they will comment on how long I was in the bathroom. It was just a minute or two, but the stories they could spin.

My eating disorder, though never admitted, isn’t necessarily some big secret. You don’t get as skinny as I got without having some kind of disorder. And while I have put back on some of the weight, I’m still pretty skinny.

I wonder what they would say on the internet. I wonder if they would sell some story to some tabloid. Maybe they would start some rumor.

It made me nervous. They could easily say they heard me throwing up in the bathroom if they wanted, and of course, Sue would believe them. Then, I would lose out on my chance of freedom. And I could really use some freedom.

It would be so nice not to be under constant surveillance. I know I took the deal and signed off on the arrangement, but it was because I was either going to lose my contract completely, end up in a conservatorship, or worse yet, get committed. This felt like the lesser of two evils.

And I only had to get up to 120 pounds and stay at it for three months to get back my freedom. That felt doable. I mean, it is. The last time they weighed me, I was 110, so closer. Sure, it has taken me a year, but that’s because of the touring. It’s hard on the body. I knew I’d have to eat more and more often to finish offthe last few pounds. I’d have to really put in the effort if I didn’t want it to take me another few months. But with Wes’s help, it would be easier. He would give me prizes. He would encourage me.

Just the idea of more freedom is enough to encourage me. Freedom and maybe actually getting to be with him. That is enough to get me to try.

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