Page 45 of A Dark Melody

It’s been hours since I ate and a while since I had anything to drink, so this will not be pleasant. I probably wouldn’t even be throwing up anything other than bile, but it would still make me feel better.

I push two fingers down my throat as deep as I can go. I gag, staying as quiet as I can be. My stomach lurches and turns. I retreat my fingers and push back again.

Nothing but bile comes up, and it burns and tastes like acid. I hate the feeling of throwing up bile. I hate throwing up in general, but the empty feeling it left behind feels good.

And now I feel hollow again, the best feeling. Just the way I like it.

I wipe my mouth with some toilet paper and blow my nose before flushing. I take a deep breath. It’s been so long since I felt this empty, this light.

I exit the bathroom and wash my hands in the little sink area they have. I lower my mouth to the sink and rinse out my mouth before heading back to the kitchen area.

“Here.” Wes says, handing me a copper cup. He barely looks at me. “Do you want a straw?” He asks.

“Sure.” I nod. He puts a straw inside my drink. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” He says.

“Mules are so refreshing.” Ben says as I sit down across from him.

“I normally add a mint leaf, but we are out of them.” Wes says, sitting down next to me.

I take a sip. “It tastes good.” I say.

“What is your favorite drink?” Ben asks, looking at me.

“Vodka.” I shrug. “I don’t really care what comes with it.”

“Vodka is a such a girl drink.” Dennis says with a laugh. “I like Jameson.”

“I like a good bourbon.” Ben says.

“You?” I ask, looking at Wes, who is avoiding eye contact. He knows, and I hate it.

For the first time, I feel guilty. I realize I may have just broken his trust and probably disappointed him. Maybe he would stop liking me now. He probably sees me as weak and crazy now. I want to cry. What did I do?

“Scotch.” He says.

I slurp down the rest of my drink quickly. I desperately want to get off this bus now. I want to run to my bus and curl up in a ball and cry. For the first time, I want to take it back. I want to be normal.

“I should get going.” I say, getting up. I set my cup on the table. “Thank you.”

“I’ll walk you back to your bus.” Wes says, putting his cup down and getting up.

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” He says.

“Bye.” I wave to Dennis and Ben.

“See you around.” Ben says with a smile.

“Bye.” Dennis says.

I walk to the bus door after Wes. He opens it, stepping down and holding out his hand for mine. I give it to him, and he helps me down the steps.

“I’m sorry.” I say when he shuts the bus door.

“For?”

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