Page 161 of A Dark Melody

I have a few panic attacks before shows, but I don’t dare let Skylar witness them. I don’t think he would understand it like Wes did or be as helpful as Wes was.

Skylar kisses me one night, and just presses his lips to mine. I quickly pulled away, he tried to laugh it off, and blame the alcohol but I know it is more than that. It just confused me because he has hooked up with a few girls since we’ve been hanging out. I assumed he knew we are just friends. Maybe it is partly the alcohol fault, but I don’t let it change things. I don’t stop hanging out with him. I don’t ever bring it up in fact. I just pretend it didn’t happen.

I’m grateful we only have two more shows left. I’m looking forward to being far away from Wes. I don’t know what will happen with Skylar and me once tour ends, but I wasn’t concerned. He is a good distraction now, but my long-term plan is to just make 120 pounds and get my freedom back. Maybe create a new record but we will see. I don’t know if I have it in me to record any of the songs I’ve written over the last few weeks. A whole album about Wes may kill me.

I’m sitting on Skylar’s bunk after the show as he uses a spoon to heat up heroin.

“I have an extra needle.” He glances up at me.

I had some coke from Sue, and he had some left over from Greg, but other than that, all that is left of his drug supply is the heroin.

“No thanks, I need some air.” I say. I really hate the idea of watching him shoot up. Needles scare me a little.

I walk off the bus just in time to see Wes kissing some girl. His hands are on her waist as their lips move together.

My heart shatters into a million little pieces. The pain is the most intense thing I have ever felt. I feel like I’m going to be sick, as my stomach twists and turns. My heart throbs at the sight in front of me.

He grabs her hand, and they walk onto his bus. He doesn’t look my way. I’m not even sure he knows I saw.

My stomach is still doing flips, and I fight the urge to throw up. The pain is overwhelming, and I just need it to stop.

I walk back onto Skylar’s bus and past his bandmates, fighting back tears. I could not let them see me fall apart. No, right now I need to not feel anything, and I know just how to do it.

Skylar sits on his bunk about to shoot up, tourniquet tied around his arm.

“Hey.”

“You said it feels like you’re floating.”

“Yes, like you are floating above your body, all your problems beyond touch.” He makes it sound too good to say no to, like he knows exactly what I need.

“Okay.” I whisper.

“Okay?” He asks.

“I’ll try it.”

“Okay.” He pulls out the spoon again and drops a small amount of heroin on it. He uses his lighter to melt it down. “You’re tiny and it’s your first time. I smoked it my first time so I don’t know how intense it will be.” He unwraps a needle from a wrapper, and I feel a little more comfortable.

I know this is the wrong thing to do, and I know it's a bad idea, but I just need to avoid the pain. A few tears roll down my face, but Skylar either doesn’t notice or pretends not to.

He loads the needle with the heroin from the spoon. It’s like half of what is in his needle, and I wonder if it will be too little to feel anything. I am desperate not to feel pain. I hope this works.

“Make a fist.” He orders and unties the tourniquet from his arm.

I make a fist with both my hands and hold out my arms to him. He takes his time looking over both of my arms before grabbing the right arm. He ties the tourniquet around my forearm. I relax my left arm.

He picks up the needle, and I wipe my face with my left arm.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks, looking up at me. I simply nod my head. “I’ll watch you. I promise. You’ll be okay.”

I nod my head again.

He lifts the needle to my skin, and I close my eyes. I feel a pinch, followed by a warm feeling that spreads over my body.

It happens quick.

I’m floating. I feel like I’m as light as a feather. How I always wanted to feel.

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