Page 90 of Two Marlboros

“Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s nothing. It’s okay.”

I looked up at the door and looked around: they had not come out and followed us.

“What happened?” asked Ash, with a questioning look.

“I saw him, man. Ryan sold him stuff. I’m sure.”

Ash and I looked at each other and knew immediately. It could have been a lead, but we had to press Nathan without arousing too much suspicion.

“What stuff was it?”

“How should I know? It was white, in a little bag.”

It could have been cocaine, but it was hard to tell without seeing it. It certainly wasn’t talcum powder anyway.

We caught sight of Ryan coming out of the bathroom, and I restrained Nathan from joining him again. Rather, I suggested that we follow him from a safe distance to see where he would go. We managed not to lose sight of him and walked down a small hallway, which ended with a door at whose guard stood a large, well-dressed man. Ryan arrived in front of the door, looked around and went inside, without the bouncer batting an eye.

I took a step toward the door, but Ash quickly blocked me.

“I don’t think they’ll let us in. It’s a private club, you have to make reservations.”

“I’ll give it a try anyway.”

I heard Ash sigh, but I paid him no mind; I approached the door and tried to enter casually as Ryan had done, but I didn’t even have time to get my hand near the knob that I was immediately stopped by the bouncer.

“Full name, please. This is a restricted area.”

I played dumb and retracted my hand.

“I see,” I replied, remembering Ash’s words. “How can I get a seat?”

The bouncer pulled out a card and pointed to the number above. He did not say anything else, so I simply grabbed the card and thanked him. He did not answer me that time either: perhaps the music so loud had really deafened him.

I returned triumphantly to Nathan and Ashton and showed them the card. Ash, for once in all that evening, seemed pleased with the way things were going. Yes, we had not gotten in, but now we knew how to do it. Taking advantage of a moment of Nathan’s distraction, Ash gestured to me to indicate “tomorrow,” and I gave him the okay. It was necessary to realign ourselves for a moment to figure out how to move and what wasconvenient for us to do, but I was almost certain that following that lead was the right thing to do. It might not have led us to Michael, but the place didn’t look entirely clean anyway.

“Back on track?” my colleague asked.

He seemed the only one enthusiastic about the idea of mingling among all those people, but maybe he was just hoping to rub up against some tall, aggressive blonde girl. Nathan humored him and, along with him, spent the rest of the evening dancing.

I kept trying and kept failing, too.

By the time Ashton took me home, it was past two o’clock. I was pretty sure I had never been this late in my entire life, and as I entered the hall, I suddenly collapsed. I could barely keep my eyes open, feeling tired and exhausted. The idea was to throw myself on the bed and sleep late, but I had to deal with the smile I couldn’t wipe off my face.

When I walked into the room and my eyes fell on Oliver’s picture, it felt like I had just been stabbed. I felt a very strong twinge in my chest, I began to smell tobacco everywhere in the room, and the drink seemed to go up all at once.

Kiss: “contact between one person and another’s lips.” And that had been, despite all the fairy tales I kept telling myself.

You didn’t have to use your tongue to be able to say you had kissed someone; I had done it the moment our lips had met, the moment I hadn’t rebelled, the moment I hadn’t feel disgusted right after it had happened.

Oliver looked at me from his picture and asked me how I had spent that evening. I rubbed my lips, but it was futile. It wasn’t the gesture I didn’t accept, it was my reaction. He might as well have kissed my mother affectionately, and I certainly would not have considered it a betrayal. That night, on the other hand,there had been a time when I hadn’t minded so much. I got grossed out all at once.

Oliver kept looking at me and waiting for my response. I lowered my gaze. I needed to think. I crawled into bed and, in spite of expectations, I dreamed that night.

Maybe even too much.

17

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