Page 58 of Two Marlboros

We stopped in front of the stove, and I sensed a strange smell in the air. I thought it was coming from the refrigerator or the pantry, but it was enough to smell my shirt to realize that it was coming from me. I had been sweating too much in the previous hours.

“I really should take a shower.”

Alan smiled. “If you need to, you can do it here.”

“Really? Or did you just say that out of politeness? Because look I’m taking advantage of it. There’s a shortage of hot water at my place every other day.”

This time he let out a laugh. “A little bit was out of politeness, but make yourself at home.”

I asked Alan for a spare T-shirt, with the promise to bring it back washed and ironed as soon as possible - a thankless task Iwould have given up to a dry cleaner, but he didn’t need to know that.

I watched his figure disappear inside the room and could not believe it was the same person who, the night before, had clung to me and kept repeating, “I want to die.” I had never seen anyone cry so many tears, with so much despair. He seemed inconsolable as he mumbled Oliver’s name, interspersed with his nose pulling up and tears running down his chin to mingle with asphalt grains. Only after much reassurance from me had he hinted at stopping. He didn’t even want me to take him home.

Alan rambled a little inside the closet, then pulled out a plain, white T-shirt. He straightened up on his legs and showed it to me to see if it fit. I nodded: I needed it just to go home. I didn’t have the courage to go into what had been his and Oliver’s room: it felt like violating an intimate memory, so I waited for him to bring it to me.

I slipped into the shower shortly thereafter and washed as much as I could. I would make up for the toothbrush with a mint; as for the rest, I would make up for it once I got home.

When it was time to slip my shirt on, I felt my stomach pull. I took it in my hands and observed it: the collar was milky white and not frayed, a sign that yes, it was a home shirt, but kept with some care-not like mine, which were real battle shirts. All the seams were in place and the print on the front was only just cracked.

The moment I put it on, a trail of lavender closet scent settled over me and I let it enter my nostrils, as if a part of Alan had fused with me. With each breath, the lavender stopped being a scent and became a smell; it penetrated me until I was addicted to it, until it became the air I breathed.

The instant I left the bathroom, I realized that I was almost embarrassed to be seen with his shirt on. Perhaps it was a part of him that until that moment had been Oliver’s alone, and theweight of that intimacy was considerable. I felt like a peeping Tom peeking at two lovers through the keyhole.

I darted into the living room and retrieved my phone, hoping to go unnoticed, and I succeeded just long enough to peek at the text I had received. I had only seen that number one other time, but I already knew whose it was.

Hi, any plans for Wednesday?

If you want, I’ll bring two pizzas and

we’ll eat them together.

Let me know.

xxx Harvey

I stood speechless. Harvey had been flirting with me all evening and made it clear that he was looking forward to some alone time. I continued to find it incredible that after three years of silence it seemed almost as if we had never drifted apart, but - I didn’t know how - we had regained the same understanding we once had and even the same desire for intimacy.

I had a feeling that things were falling into place a little bit. Because I knew, I knew that somewhere, somehow, it was not only he who had continued to live inside me, but also I inside him. And he was choosing me, again, out of a myriad of other guys he could have had, just as he had chosen me three years earlier.

How long until Wednesday?

“Are you alright?”

I turned abruptly, reeling from the excitement that text had aroused in me that I could not contain.

“Everything is fine. Ah, thanks for the T-shirt. I’ll get it back to you as soon as I can.”

“Take your time, I’m in no hurry.”

I went back to look at that text and felt my heart pounding. I thought back to those years spent looking for adventures in the hope that they would turn into something more, but it had never happened and only in that moment I understood why. Simply, life was having a good time going on long rides before I found the romance I deserved; and Harvey had always been there, before my eyes, but I needed to find the right moment before I could really enjoy it. And that moment had arrived.

“Did something good happen?”

Alan was standing with his arms folded, waiting for an answer. I walked over to him and waved the phone in front of his eyes.

“Harvey texted me. This is the time, I can feel it.”

“Time to...?”

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