Page 48 of Two Marlboros

Nathan in the university bathroom, pants down, face turned to the wall, and…

Nathan flushing with embarrassment at something Harvey had whispered in his ear, lowering his gaze and smiling sincerely. Me taking a big swig of vodka, because those thoughts didn’t belong to me.

“I don’t look at hisass, as you say.”

Harvey dropping a hand where it shouldn’t have, probing Nathan’s willingness to be the object of what must have been yet another adventure.

“You’re going to tell me that you were impressed with his character? Unless that’ how we call it now.”

Harvey seemed to have no intention of moving that hand, and Nathan was too dumbfounded to do it himself. He was so blind that he would have endured even the humiliation of being a toy for the evening, just because Harvey was the one who wanted it. What the hell was so special about that Harvey anyway?

“All that struck me about him was the immense cheekiness.”

“He has a temper, I know. What struck me, however, was his being so elusive. You feel like you’ve caught him and the next moment he’s already flown off, flirting with another guy. He can make you feel unique and insignificant within an hour.”

He could not have better described the attunement you could feel with him and the strangeness he was able to throw you into the next moment.

“I know what it feels like.”

He had parked me on the drinks corner without a second thought, only to make eyes at a guy who had already planned the whole evening; and it mattered little if he was looking at me at that moment, perhaps because I was still with Steve, or perhaps because I was not the one claiming his presence as a fake boyfriend. It would have been easier for him if I had gone to get him back, because he would have assuaged his guilt by spending less time with Harvey than he should have.

“You always think this is it, that you’ve got him, and you end up with scenes like this. Look at him, he’s drooling,” Steve continued.

Harvey’s fingers crept slowly under Nathan’s shirt, at hip level, but he did not flinch. A silent assent that allowed Harvey to dispose of him as he saw fit.

“He seems pretty into it,” I commented.

“You, too.”

You, too.

“What?”

“I’m saying you haven’t taken your eyes off him since he left with Harvey.”

I felt my stomach burn and a flush run through me from head to toe. I had downed that sip of vodka too quickly.

“Not for the reason you think,” I replied, and turned to him as if to lend force to that notion.

“Look there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s a liker.”

Nathan and Harvey had disappeared. They were no longer at the spot where they had secluded themselves, nor had I seen them enter the building; amid all those heads, it was hard to tell where they had gone.

Steve’s index finger passed in front of my eyes.

“They’re over there. Don’t run, don’t worry.”

Nathan was tasting Harvey’s drink, drinking from his straw.

The burning increased until my stomach shut down.

“You just can’t ignore it, can you?”

Steve and his cheekbones too pronounced from that smirk of his. An unbearable mischief for a harmless gesture, because yes, I looked toward Nathan from time to time, but only because I wanted to see how far his nerve could go.

“I’ll tell you again, it’s not what you think.”

“I don’t care, you’re look spineless! You get invited as his boyfriend and let him treat you like that? Tsk. You really like being a doormat.”

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