Page 35 of Two Marlboros

And how much despair he must have read in my eyes, that little boy standing in front of me, now caressing my back, touching me. Those fingers touching my body made me shiver, because a contact had been made, a bond, something beyond words and gestures.

He said nothing, he just attempted choked smiles out of fear of being inappropriate, while I gradually returned to my world, to my office, to my desk, to my reality. I took a deep breath, and everything fell back into place, retrieved my armor, and put it on - but it felt less heavy than before.

Nathan said nothing. He waited a few minutes to make sure that I had come to my senses, that I didn’t need anything; then he coughed, embarrassed by the silence that was lingering to no end. His cheeks were flushed, perhaps because without his cheekiness he was not at all able to extricate himself from certain situations. It made me softer.

“So, I ...” he said, and he fumbled with his fingers, pointing to the exit, “I’ll go, if you don’t need me anymore. That is,” still in that rush of wanting to clear everything up right away, “if you have nothing more to tell me.”

At first, I thought no, I didn’t have anything else to tell him. Maybe not something I wanted to put into words. His mere presence there in front of me seemed to give me some sort of comfort. But suddenly something occurred to me. Something funny.

“Actually yes, there is something else I would like to talk to you about. If you accompany me to get something, we’ll discuss it.”

He frowned, looking frightened. It was funny again.

“Well? What did you want to tell me?”

He was springing on one foot with renewed agitation, and I couldn’t help but keep him on his toes a little. Yes, it wasn’tnice toward him, but it gave me a hilarity I hadn’t experienced in many months. And I also lost a little of that flavor of tender revenge that had animated my first chats with him, leaving only that understanding typical of two longtime friends, which, however, we certainly were not - neither friends nor longtime friends.

“He texted to - or rather - a certain ‘ShittySteve’ texted to you.”

Nathan opened his mouth wide and brought his hands to his face.

“Tell me it’s not true.”

“It’s true, it’s true. Do you want something?”

We stood in front of the vending machine. I opted for a lemon tea.

“Bury myself?”

It made me laugh.

Laugh.

For all that time I had learned to be the shady, shy one, but now I was laughing. It was out of character. What would Ash have thought if he had seen me? He, who had only known me for six months, who knew nothing of what had struck me just before he met me? He would have peppered me with questions, insinuated that there was something between Nathan and me - oh God.

Instinctively I looked around, as if to make sure he wasn’t there, and fortunately he wasn’t. I turned the scoop inside the glass. Why did the sugar always go all the way to the bottom?

“You know what?” I then said. “That serious face didn’t suit you. You’re better like this.”

“Meaning like an idiot?” he thinned his eyes, almost offended.

“Call it whatever you want.”

Nevertheless, he summed up that serious expression again.

“Ah!” he shouted. “But you were trying to deflect the conversation!”

“Me?” I asked.

He seemed to have awakened all at once and was back to his old self.

“Yes, you! What did Steve do?”

“I should be mad at you, but I’m not,” I replied with a smile as I enjoyed watching him pale. “He mentioned a certain party.”

He covered his face with his hands again and let out a disconsolate groan.

“To which you’re going to with a certain guy.”

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