Page 211 of Two Marlboros

Upstairs there were the rooms, basic as well, but I had never been able to complain about the quality of sleep. To be honest,since I had arrived there, the rhythms of my life had been disrupted, and while at first it had seemed impossible to get used to it, after a few days I had already found my balance. There was a lot of work in the ranch, even twelve hours a day and in the pouring rain, there were no Saturdays or Sundays off, and yet I had regretted almost nothing about my life in New York, apart from a few obvious conveniences, such as being able to buy groceries at any hour instead of every fortnight. The only luxury I had was the cigarette break, which didn’t last a quarter of an hour because there was always something to do at the barn, so I had begun to smoke much less, although I hadn’t quit altogether and had no intention of doing so.

I drank some more of my chocolate and managed to down a sip without burning myself. In the meantime, I warmed my hands, which had been in a state of perpetual frost since I had arrived there.

Those same hands, however, had sown spinach and beets and transplanted turnip greens and winter leeks; and by the time November had knocked on our door bringing with it the first cold winds, it was time to cover the plants or move them to the greenhouse, and also to fertilize the soil for the coming months’ crops. I spent most of my days in my work clothes, stained with mud and soil, the same soil that at the end of the day I found stuck under my fingernails and encrusted on my hands. Then December had arrived, a barren month for most crops, but the same could not be said for livestock. With the expertise of Sully, the ranch owner, and Zoe, an eight-year-old wren in dungarees since she was born, I had in fact helped a cow give birth to her first calf.

Zoe had insisted on naming her Betsy, because in her opinion it was a cute name that went well with Daisy, another cow calved in November. And so, since they had been born, Imade sure they got the milk they needed and that their cages were always clean and full of dry straw.

I smiled as I thought back to the excitement I had felt at seeing new life set foot in the barn, at the messy but tender appearance of the newcomer. The miracle of life and birth truly had an ancestral flavor, an anticipation that is born incorporeal only to become more tangible month by month; and when that anticipation had turned into first a pair of hooves and then a curious little head, I had not been able to help but let a tear drop and feel a little like the putative father of little Betsy - well, not solittle, she was still a ninety-pounds calf.

I sipped some more of the hot cocoa as I let the memories flow through my mind, not without a thread of emotion.

Zoe and Sully, upstairs, were still asleep. Soon they would both wake up full of excitement - perhaps more so Zoe, complicit in her eight years - to welcome the new girl who would be helping out on the ranch. She came from Texas, had little experience with animals but was used to hard work, dictated mostly by the torrid Texas summers that could put a strain on them.

Little by little I finished drinking my chocolate. My hands were hot, one of the pleasures I most loved to indulge in before starting a day of hard work. Sometimes I warmed them in front of the electric heater I had in my room but squeezing them around a hot cup wasn’t bad either.

I looked out the window: it was still a while before the sun came up. I got up from the bench, walked over to the sink and put some water in the mug, then let my thoughts wander about the day ahead.

It was two days before Christmas and I was so excited, for many, too many reasons. I fantasized about the days ahead, and also about the weeks, the months, wondering if they would be as I had imagined them. As a result, I wondered how long it wouldbe before Sully’s alarm clock rang, the one that punctuated the sleeping and waking hours of all three of us, the one that made official the beginning of a new day; so when a high-pitched, annoying squeal filled the air upstairs, a smile from side to side broke across my face, and I began to hope, with renewed excitement, that the day would pass as quickly as possible.

“Naty, do you have to?”

Zoe had latched onto my sweater and was tugging at it, all the while looking at me with those big blue eyes that were going to burst into tears before long. I bent down just enough to hug her, ruffled her hair, and she giggled. Sully watched us from the bench at the table where she had set the table for two.

“I’m sorry, baby. Just know, though, that I had a great time birthing Betsy with you.”

She finished wiping her tears with the sleeve of her pajamas, then began to sniff. I was really sorry to see her crying without being able to do anything.

“I will name the next baby calf that is born after you, okay?”

“That sounds like a very good idea,” I replied.

She hugged me again, and I hugged her back. She reminded me of Jimmy, whom I had called a few days earlier to hear how he was doing. We had been in touch from time to time during those months, and each time, right on time, he asked me when I would be back. In the last period he had often asked me if he would see me again for the holidays, a question I had begun to ponder after I had blundered through Thanksgiving.

Jimmy had been waiting for me since we had played together with ants on the little wall, and day after day, I realized, I had begun to wonder if there were other people waiting for my return. One in particular, to tell the truth.

“Zoe, let him go or he’ll be late!”

Sully rose from the bench and walked toward us, with that gait that not infrequently rattled the floorboards. He squeezed a hand gently on her arm and tried to drag her away from me because at times she was worse than an adorable leech, but eventually she stopped resisting and we parted.

Sully looked at me with grateful eyes, and I was certain that there was the same feeling in my gaze as well. He smiled and offered me his hand, a gesture I reciprocated.

“It’s been a pleasure having you here, Nathan. Have a safe trip home.”

“I thank you, Sully. And thank you for the hospitality, for this place, for... everything.”

Our hands swayed a few times and the squeeze ended. I grabbed the suitcase and at the same instant Zoe took her father’s hand, her eyes shining again. I greeted them again, opened the door, and, suitcase in hand, bade my farewell to that little ranch and to California.

A friend of Sully’s had taken me to the airport, whom I thanked to no end because the ranch was a bit out of town and the trip certainly not the shortest. I arrived right on time for check-in and baggage check, and as I took my seat, I again felt that tingle of excitement run through my whole body. As the plane began its takeoff operations, it was inevitable for me to think about what I would say to him once I disembarked. I wanted to call him under the guise of Christmas greetings because I was dying to hear his voice again, and I looked out the window because I felt myself suddenly blush. In my head little had changed since the day we had said goodbye, starting with the fact that in those two months I had continued to feel a little bit like his boyfriend. There hadn’t actually been all those opportunities at the farm that the others had talked about, but even if there had been I wouldn’t have taken advantage of themat all, because with Alan I had only paused time to do some tidying up, the tidying up that had given my priorities a sense again, and where he and Jimmy were always at the top.

I looked for something to do in those hours that separated me from New York, during which my enthusiasm only increased, and I felt a growing smile inside me as we approached the other coast.

During that joy, however, there was also a tinge of worry - after all, it had taken him only a short time to take a chance on me, and who was to say that in those two and a half months it hadn’t happened to him again?

It was a scenario I had to prepare for anyway, and I tried to do so, but the next moment reality began to mix with fantasy again, so I thought back to what had happened after the Royale and what might happen again. My heart was throbbing like crazy, and I couldn’t get it to stay calm, and that restlessness was circulating throughout my body, so much so that I was unable to sit still. I had to move something, whether it was a foot or crossing my legs here and there, or in a more mundane way even just looking around, finding the seatbelt light interesting as well.

Eventually I closed my eyes and salivated at the idea of how things would turn out. I wondered how many seconds I would leave him silent in front of my call, imagined his surprised, almost petrified expression in front of my name on the cell phone screen, and then a “Hello” from him somewhere between incredulous and astonished... Yes, I was already anticipating that scene with a romantic flavor, and that word made me imagine the two of us in Christmas hats kissing under the mistletoe, the one he had surely put in his house because he was too precise not to respect traditions.

I blew out a laugh because no one had ever made me feel that way, and the distance had only strengthened my feelings instead of extinguishing them altogether. And if a love hadwithstood two and a half months of ruthless no-contact, then it was really worth it.

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