Page 209 of Two Marlboros

“Oh, yes,” he replied, and began to leave kiss after kiss from my ear to under my chin. “But I specifically saidin the shower,”and paused again to give more kisses. “On the rest I didn’t specify.”

I dissolved that embrace with a sharp jerk and grabbed him by the hips to reverse positions, then with a sharp jolt threw him on the bed, to his surprise and a hint of smugness. I mounted on top of him and pounced on his mouth with the same voracity with which I had imagined him so many times.

We loved each other in a scratchy, rough, almost wild way. Our panting was loud, misaligned, my thrusts convulsive and deep. He drove his nails into my back but at the same time he pressed his feet on my buttocks because he wanted more, harder, more violent, and I pleased him every time. And it only took a few minutes and a glance for him to let me take him by the hips, my eyes going up his back and then closing to the ceiling, the squeaking of the bed accompanying our movements. I let my fingers run over his sweaty skin and sink into his flesh as the pleasure became more intense and boisterous, in an echo of dry, out-of-tune moans. There was impetuosity in my possessing him and there was abandon in his letting himself be, but there was also love when he perked up and tensed to exchange a wet kiss, perhaps the last we would give each other in such a situation, and that left my hands firmly on his hips and led my pelvis to move more gently. His mouth separated from mine, which remained open and panting, and he blinked those shiny eyes; so, we went back to listening to our instincts, in a synchrony of actions and reactions that let the awareness of that last time flow from me to him, from him to me.

The third round ended without either of us warning the other; he came, and I followed close behind. I was exhausted, out of breath so much that I felt as if I had run the New York City Marathon twice. I collapsed on his back and left kisses between his shoulder blades, with that slight salt taste of his sweaty skin on my lips. I got up, walked out of him, and Nathan let himselffall onto the bed, after which he lay supine as we both tried to catch our breath. Our gazes crossed and he tried to throw out some air by giggling.

“Wow. What a good fuck.”

“Yeah, just wow,” I replied, and I thought it was the first time I had found the courage to do it in a rougher, more animalistic way, still managing to consider it romantic. And I also thought it would be the last, at least with him. “Did I hurt you?”

He shook his head. I moved closer and left him a peck, then lost myself in looking at those eyes that were softened and at the same time veiled with sadness. Nathan was truly able to shake every belief I had, but then again, that was what he had been doing since day one. I cast a glance at the bed where we were lying and became aware that it would soon turn cold, and that the next night and the nights after that I would return to it alone. I could not find the words to describe the feeling of having had someone in the other half of it again, especially if that someone was Nathan. But I couldn’t and didn’t want to break down in that moment, didn’t want to give space to selfishness and how I felt about him. I forced a smile and got out of bed.

“Good,” I added without hesitation. “Then maybe we should get ready. For real, I mean.”

We stopped by Nathan’s house to pick up his things, then headed to the airport where we cuddled up with a good breakfast. My stomach was tight, but I made an effort to eat anyway, while he gorged on anything and everything. I watched him pounce on that food as if it had been the last supper, but he noticed that I was watching him and stopped.

“What?”

I let my gaze slide over his eyes, his nose, his greasy mouth. I was going to miss him - and at that moment I knew I would miss him for one more reason.

I put my finger close to his cheek and brushed it.

“You have something here.”

It wasn’t true, I just wanted to touch it, because soon it would no longer be possible. I was reminded of the cute boys in California. Oh, yes, he would have plenty of them at his feet. And it was only right that he should take advantage of them, no matter how much that thought hurt. He was young, handsome, passionate, had all the makings of being desirable. What’s more, that little head of his was working, and working hard, thinking, reflecting, understanding more than many other people did. Perhaps some people would be frightened off by those qualities, but I was sure that so many others would appreciate them, just as I had appreciated them.

I let breakfast continue and let my gaze wander over the menu in that café, over the lights, over the other tables, over the hustle and bustle of suitcases and people, because I didn’t want Nathan to read me in like he usually did. I couldn’t really be happy about that denouement, no matter how happy I was for him, and I wasn’t even good at hiding it, although I tried hard; that’s why I expected him to pick me up at any moment and tell me that I was anassholefor not enjoying my last moments with him and that I could try a little harder. Instead, he continued to gorge himself on food and said nothing meaningful, letting time pass in a fibrillation that I could only pretend.

“I’m going to miss you.”

Nathan threw his arms around my neck, and I let him cradle himself in my embrace.

“I’ll miss you too,” I replied, almost mechanically. The truth was that I already missed him and having him so close didn’t help make that detachment any easier.

Not far from us there was a small family saying goodbye. The parents squeezed their daughter with her gigantic backpack over their shoulder for the umpteenth time, then I watched the melancholy in their eyes as the girl walked away, ready to leave on her journey. The two were left alone and exchanged a bittersweet smile, but she took him by the arm, and they headed who knows where.

Nathan squeezed me a little tighter, and I did the same. I stroked his head, left kisses on his cheek, and he reminded me so much, maybe too much, of what had happened at the Royale, before and after drinks. Only that wasn’t his farewell party - it was just his farewell. I loved him, loved him like I didn’t think was possible in just two months, loved him so much that I questioned everything. I loved him and I wished I could have been a smidgen more selfish, just enough to literally fall at his feet as one among a thousand guys and beg him to stay, not to leave me. I loved him and it was not fair for it to end this way, but justice is not always a thing of this world.

We loosened from the embrace and I found the courage to look at him, to let him read me inside, to maybe anticipate that need I had for him and just say: “I’ve changed my mind, I’m staying, because you need me and I need you, and it would be a crime to separate us, don’t you think?” without making me cross that wasteland of heartbreak and pain where I had already walked, dirty to the knees, to the torso, almost to the point of suffocation.

Don’t go away, I would have liked to tell him,I will do anything for you, I would have added, as I tried to hold back that lump in my throat that was becoming too much by the second.I love you, I would have whispered with my heart in myhand, and then I would have said it again, louder, even shouting if necessary.

I love you, and I planted a kiss on his lips as my hands caressed his hips, my mouth feeling his heat one last time, searching for that tobacco aroma that was gone. Vanished, as he would have vanished too.

That kiss ended and I forced myself not to give him any more, to give myself a restraint. I tried to part my lips to say something,thatsomething, I pulled away from him just enough to not feel him so close anymore, maybe I would just slip out those three words and maybe he… who knows?

“I have to go,” he whispered.

With those glazed eyes he tried to smile, and I died inside. I tried to smile too, but it didn’t come out well, because my lips were tense, trembling at times, scared at the idea of confessing to Nathan how I felt about him and at the idea of losing that chance.

“Aren’t you going to wish me luck?”

Again, he forced a smile, and I felt foolish because in his eyes I read sadness but also a hint of excitement about that new adventure, and soon I would have seen disappointment in them as well if I hadn’t decided to put my selfishness aside. In the end there was only one thing I had to tell him, for I had promised him my friendship and support, and if there was anything I had to wish for at that moment it was his happiness, and his only. Everything else was not important, everything else could wait.

“Good luck, Nathan. Go and conquer.”

He laughed at that phrase, which certainly was not appropriate for the Alan Scottfield he had met that July the 30th, but certainly was for the one he had there in front of him, the one who had now shared more than a piece of his heart with him.

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