Page 208 of Two Marlboros

I stared at my hands without any interest, caressing the skin and the outline of the nails; then Nathan’s hand came intomy field of vision and rested on mine. I looked up to find his face stretched out, laced with an expression of displeasure that prompted me to move closer to give him a kiss. For a moment I feared that he would reject it as I had done just before, but he did not flinch, did not even think about it, and allowed himself to be kissed on the lips again and again. The last kiss lasted longer, and Nathan stopped it slowly, gradually pulling his lips away from mine, just as slowly as we opened our eyes again. We looked at each other for a moment, or maybe two, and it was enough to feel everything I had felt for him explode in me, which manifested in a quickened pulse and a desire to rewind the tape of life to the night before, and live forever those hours that had reset all distance between us.

Nathan threw himself on me and held me tightly; I did the same and rolled my eyes because I knew that this was a road with no return. Feeling his body in my arms again, his warmth or even just the way he fit into mine was intoxicating. I caressed him as I had often done in those hours, and that gesture was enough for him to hold me tighter.

“Don’t treat me like that again, it was horrible.”

I left him a kiss where I could, and another, and another.

“For a moment I thought you had been teasing me all this time and that your only purpose was just to have sex with me. You scared me. Please don’t do that again.”

Sometimes I had the feeling that Nathan was a crystal doll, fragile and ready to break at the slightest touch. And I thought back to that first time of ours and how vulnerable I had seen him - yes, I had used that very term. I realized that this was not something he showed to anyone and that perhaps he had been afraid that he had made an error in judgment. I felt terrible, more than I already did.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

We cradled in that embrace for a few minutes, and just hearing his breath or smelling his skin had the effect of relaxing me, because with him in my arms I felt at peace. I didn’t need anything else.

“It’s already twenty past seven,” he said out of nowhere.

Those words made me miss a beat. Time passed, whether I had wanted it to or not, and it ate away, moment by moment, what little was left of us. Love often did not have a happy ending, and it was a lesson I had learned all too well.

I tried to keep at bay what my heart suggested and tried to reason with my brain. It kind of worked.

“Then we’d better start getting ready.”

Nathan put his face in front of mine, and there it was - that smirk.

“Need help with the shower?”

We both held back a laugh and seeing him smile again caused a rush of heat right at my heart.

“Not if you want to catch that plane.”

“But I’ll be good, I swear. I promise.”

I challenged him. I really wanted to see if he could keep promises like that.

Nathan was true to his word. The shower went smoothly, and he just washed himself and I washed myself, without any kind of interested approach on his part. All he said was that he had never been as clean as he was during those hours, a joke that amused me and made me blush a little.

We left the bathroom and returned to the room to get clean clothes, but when I turned to him and saw him naked and illuminated by daylight, I realized that intimate moments between us had always been the prerogative of the night. In that moment, however, it was as if we had found the courage to come out into the open and face what united us, withoutcomforting ourselves with the complicity of darkness. I then let my gaze slide over his body, which only at that moment I had the opportunity to observe better.

He was thin, though not excessively so, but he could still have put on a couple of pounds without anyone noticing; he had no sculpted muscles, but his physique was in any case dry, toned. On his chest he had only a small trail of blond hair that went down to his pubis to frame his intimacy, then thickened on his long, straight legs, especially on his shins. I was reminded of his story about the guy who wanted to take pictures of his feet - I had no fetish of that sort, but I wondered what size shoe he wore. I thought about it for a moment and speculated between a 9 and a 9.5, although perhaps the second option was more likely. I smiled. It really was an insignificant detail - and yet isn’t that what intimate relationships are all about?

I looked at him in full again and he caught me looking at him, but he seemed as comfortable as I was.

“Are you thinking I’m gorgeous?”

He leaned closer to me, and it came naturally to me to lock my arms behind his neck.

“This time I am.”

He encircled my hips with his hands, came up to my neck, and began to lick me from the bottom up, in slow, sensual movements, perhaps because he wanted me to imagine something else - and he succeeded quite well.

“Hold still with that tongue...”

“Which one? The one I useto lick ice cream?”

He ran it once more from bottom to top, then found my ear and began to suck and nibble on it.

“Nathan - you said you were going to be good.”

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