Page 203 of Two Marlboros

(he let me lead a little bit)

(a little bit more)

(fifty fifty)

I was his. He was mine.

The touch of his tongue made me gasp every time. There was no uncertainty in his actions. It was a firm kiss, and it was like that from me, too. And yes, he wanted me. It really looked like someone had fallen in love with that penniless Nathan Hayworth.

He slowed down and I slowed down. Our lips parted after one last kiss. I opened my eyes without remembering when I had closed them,Kiss mestill playing in the background in an instrumental part.

We looked at each other without saying anything, or perhaps saying everything with that complicit look. It had been... unbelievable. He kissed me. Alan kissed me. That mouth, the one I could see there in front of me, had really found the courage to join mine - and with some transport, too. He quickly shifted his gaze between me and my lips, perhaps undecided whether to kiss them again. He stroked my head in slow movements, and I felt like his precious treasure, if only for one evening. I still could not believe that I had broken through that wall with him, that he had considered me worthy to occupy the place of “more than friends.” He could choose from thousands of people - and he chose me.

With his hand still on my head, I moved in closer to give him a full kiss, longer than the first, but with the same flavor. That thrill of excitement vibrated through me again, only to stop down between my legs. I wanted to be his. His. His. His.

He removed his hand, and I moved away just enough to get a better look at him, but it only took a moment to catch aglimpse of something in his eyes, almost a kind of unease. His mouth abandoned that hint of a perpetual smile he had had all evening, and I only realized at that moment that he became serious again. He barely frowned for a moment and bit his lower lip. His gaze began to wander, once again, everywhere but on me, and I wondered what it was that scared him so much. Maybe I had done something wrong, or maybe...? I watched my fingers intertwine, until I found the courage to ask a question that weighed like a boulder.

“Do you regret it?”

The song ended just then. There was a roar of applause and a thank you from the singer, who had a beautiful voice even when he wasn’t singing. Inside, I was shaking.

“No, no, I didn’t regret it. I was just thinking that...”

I breathed a sigh of relief. And I thought that this was my chance. I had to try, I had to take a chance, I couldn’t let Alan clam up just then.

“...that it’s perfectly fine at your place because everything is packed at mine?”

He barely opened his mouth to say anything, but nothing came out. He tried one more time, but the words died in his throat. It had been a bold move, and once again that evening I felt my pulse skyrocket as my proposal left little room for interpretation, and I wondered if it had been too bold on my part.

After yet another failed attempt, he blew dry.

“Something like that, yes.”

He kept looking over, and only stopped doing so when I took both of his hands. I wasn’t sure if that was really the conclusion he wanted to give to his sentence, but he wasn’t backing down. Imagining the sequel to that evening stirred my stomach.

“Look I’m more scared than you are,” I whispered. “And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

He nodded, and for a small moment I thought I saw him move. In fact, I was quite convinced that he had not made love to anyone else since Oliver, and - I realized at that moment - with anyone else in general, since he had been his first for him.

“But if you prefer,” I then added to reassure him, “we can even walk around a little more.”

He continued to bite his lip and let out noisy sighs. It was not the way I had envisioned the end of the evening, but that was okay; I had not wanted to force him for a kiss, I certainly would not have done it for anything else. I watched him follow a line of thought all in his head, in that silent monologue I would have loved to hear.

“Are you really scared?” he asked after an endless time.

My pulse was racing. It had been running and slowing all evening, a little harder and a little slower, and I felt myself going crazy. I thought back to the sex I had had with Harvey, and how it had always been mechanical.

“Well, you see,” I replied, and lingered for a moment. “I’ve had sex many times, but I don’t think I’ve evermade loveto anyone. In a way it would be the first time and I’m a little afraid of messing up.”

A sketchy laugh came out of one of his sighs.

“I’m a little afraid of messing up, too. I just don’t know-”

“Look,” I interrupted him, “let’s do this: if it has to happen, it will happen. If not, it’ll mean we’ll just lie on the bed and think back on this beautiful evening until we fall asleep.”

I smiled and let him have another kiss. When I pulled away, he chased my lips to give me another, quick one. Then he looked me straight in the eye.

“Ok.”

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