Page 201 of Two Marlboros

“I mean... witty, sweet. Those things there.”

He tried to hide his embarrassment behind a smile, but it came out rather awkwardly. He averted my gaze and pointed it over my shoulder, then I felt his hand trying to disentangle itself from mine, but I quickly grabbed it back and squeezed it.

“It’s okay,” I repeated for the second time that evening.

“I know,” he replied, and for a moment his eyes rested on mine. “It’s just that... I’m not used to it anymore. I feel happy here with you, I feel like laughing, feeling good, being witty and sweet, as you say. It’s just strange, I don’t understand what’s happening to me, and it’s been ever since I saw you in front of the club that I feel like I don’t have control over anything anymore.”

He sighed, then continued.

“And it’s like you said. Two months ago, I was falling apart, and tonight, somehow, I feel like I’m back to the person I used to be. But it all happened so fast, and it’s all happening so fast now, and I can’t understand how that’s possible.”

I thought about it for a moment and tried to play it down. “Hmm, maybe I’m a good influence on you too, right?”

Alan nodded slowly, with a mock thoughtful expression on his face.

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve become a little like you. And that you have become a little like me,” he replied.

“In fact, that sounds like something I might say.”

I smiled at him, and he replied with a sort of resigned face, as if to say that by now the omelet was done. But the idea that we had somehow tainted each other made me flinch and blush. He wouldn’t have noticed, because there wasn’t much light to illuminate us, but I was still embarrassed by the thought that we could have contaminated ourselves in many other ways.

It was nice and equally unbelievable to be able to joke with him like that, and I wondered what it was that made him open up to me a little more. From that point of view, perhaps my departure had been a trigger for him, something that had forced him to try everything. In fact, I was almost certain that if I had not decided to leave, we would still have been chasing each other with glances and half-sentences. I didn’t mind that he had put his foot on the accelerator, and I especially didn’t mind at all seeing him in that almost human mode, without any more of the heaviness he was living with in spite of himself.

“So, who do I have to thank for this transformation?”

“Certainly, the two Royale drinks,” he replied with a half laugh, and he amused me as well. “Also, Ash may have given me a sermon about letting go and seizing opportunities.”

“Ah! I knew Ash had a hand in it.”

“I wonder what’s the use of talking if you already know everything anyway...”

I freed myself from the grip of his hand, which had been joined to mine all that time, and grabbed him by the hips. He barely jerked at my touch, did the same and pulled me to him, but I wanted to lead the way. I brought my head closer to his and he let me do it, not taking his eyes off me, almost studying me, until our foreheads touched, just like had happened before.

“It’s actually nice even when we don’t talk,” I whispered.

I had an incredible urge to grab him and kiss him properly, but I wanted it to be his privilege to do it first, and not just because it made it more exciting. We had promised each other that it would be that way, because I didn’t want to take the risk of forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do - even though it gave me a completely different impression at that moment.

I parted my lips and licked them, and that gesture was followed by a swollen sigh from him, a sign that I had hit the jackpot. I sensed that it was going to happen soon, that he was going to decide to drastically decrease the number of words for the rest of the evening, but he would not make up his mind. I pulled away just enough to stare into his eyes, but I was stunned by the satisfied grimace that appeared on his face.

I shoved him lightly on the chest with one hand and put on an offended face, wriggled out of his grasp and continued walking up the driveway we were walking down before that stop. He followed me and in a few steps was beside me.

“Nathan, there is a way and time for everything.”

“Yes, but if it’s possible, I’d prefer it in this lifetime...”

We both laughed - I much louder than him - and he gave me a little push on the arm, for which I pretended to stagger. Between laughs our glances crossed, and it only took that moment for me to realize that I was right, that it was indeed true that our silences were much more beautiful than our words.

We walked along several paths before we came to a circular plaza, where a small stage with live music had been set up. Maybe that was what Nelly was talking about, I had no idea, but they were playing nice music. The band consisted of a vocalist and three guys on guitar, bass, and drums, respectively.

We sat down on one of the benches at the edge of the square and I was immediately enraptured by the beautiful voice of the singer, who was singingTurn back timeby Aqua. I wasimmediately reminded of the movieSliding doorsfrom a few years earlier, where the protagonist only had to take - or miss - the subway to see her life turned upside down from top to bottom. A small, insignificant detail, but one that had had an incredible butterfly effect. And thoughts flew to Alan and me, to the robbery on that July the 30th, to my morning shift, to the errand I had to run at the post office.

I turned to him, who had made himself comfortable, leaning back in the seatback, to share those thoughts of mine.

“You know, I was thinking… if I hadn’t happened to be at the post office that very day, at that very moment, if I hadn’t finished my shift at that exact minute, by this time you and I would never have met. Or if I had been a good friend to Ryan maybe he would never have gotten into his mess and pulled a robbery. What I mean is - do you realize how many little details, all seemingly unimportant, led up to the moment we met?”

He stared at me for a moment, stunned by that flood of words, until his eyes lit up again.

“Oh, you’re thinking about the movie. Yes... that’s right.”

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