Page 198 of Two Marlboros

I placed my fingers on his. Alan’s gaze became alert, but he continued to pretend nothing was happening and watched the others as they talked. I feared a negative reaction from him to that intimate gesture, because it made us look just like a struggling couple trying to make peace, and I blushed at how fitting that definition was to describe the situation between us. Instead, he picked up his empty glass and squared it, only to realize that he had cleaned it up nicely, so he put it back where it was. It was only at that moment that, in small jerks, he turned his head and eyes toward me. If he had seemed hurt just before, at that moment he also appeared quite annoyed, almost irritated. His lips were pulled together and he was studying me more than he had done with his drink, so my fingers stiffened, and I left them suspended just above his, ready to remove them. I felt embarrassed by that refusal, and also by the fantasies of just before in which I had thought of him and me as a couple, fantasies he had surely sensed because I was trying to make up for a wrong I could only have done him as his boyfriend.

The waiter brought him a drink again and he used it as the perfect excuse to take his eyes and hand off me. The chances of him staying for the rest of the evening seemed to be diminishing at lightning speed, and the truth was that I was becoming moreand more discouraged at the idea of asking him, because I suspected that further rejection was just around the corner.

The rest of the aperitif continued in a leisurely way, with more questions about the farm and chatter about the California climate, thankfully with no more comments about theGolden State’s male wildlife. After he had downed his entire second drink as well, Alan began chatting again, tho in a very restrained manner, still giving me the impression that the alcohol was starting to take its toll. I did not mind that he was a little looser, but I also feared that his head was diverting him into those thoughts that had sometimes frightened me.

When it was almost 7:30, someone began to say they had to go. I offered to pay for everyone, for after all they were my guests, and I succeeded in my intent even if with a few minor complaints. We got up and I put the chair back where I had found it, unlike Alan who instead simply pulled it closer to the table and then walked away, as if there had been coals there and he had felt the desire to escape a little further. Ash joined him the next moment and they began to talk, and Molly followed closely behind. With a hint of resignation, I too headed for the exit, slaloming between the other tables and waiters, when I felt myself being taken by the arm. It was Nelly.

“So, are you okay?”

We slowed our pace a little to get away from the others, just enough so they wouldn’t hear us.

“Other than the shit Molly made me look, I’d say yes.”

“I felt so embarrassed for you. Although it’s undeniable that you’re going to have a line of guys, you always do.”

I shrugged because there was no point in denying the undeniable, so she continued.

“Anyway, that wasn’t what I wanted to tell you. It’s just that I heard there’s live music in Central Park tonight, and I thought...”

I decided to tease her a little. “Are you asking me on a date?”

She laughed, and the rest of the group turned toward us with questioning looks. I trimmed a smile in response and that seemed to be enough.

“You’re a jerk. You know very well what I was thinking, he’s just waiting for you to ask him.”

“Do you think so?” I asked, but just then we crossed the exit of the club and found ourselves on the sidewalk. Nelly broke away from me and gave me a little smile of understanding, making the time of greetings begin in an official way.

Standing in a circle, with the girls next to each other and Alan and Ash in front, I thought of some epic phrase to say, something to stick in my memory for years to come, but only platitudes came to mind. It was at that moment that Molly came up to me and hugged me, a gesture I returned with affection.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Nathan. You were the best colleague I ever had!” she exclaimed with shining eyes.

“I’m going to miss you too, Molly. Without you, I don’t think I would have survived long in that freaking mini mart.”

That sentence drew a laugh from her, and memories of my working adventure with Molly began to flash through my head, first among them the day I had finished my shift on that scorching July day and gone to the post office. I was reminded of the robbery, the agents’ questions - Alan.

Soon after that, it was Nelly’s turn to wish me back soon and tear me away with a promise to keep her updated on my developments. I loved her and adored the fact that, albeit by a twist of fate, she had known both Alan and me for a long time, without either of us being aware of it.

It was then Ash’s turn, whom I greeted with more detachment than the girls, but no less affection. Our embrace was more perfunctory, but in retrospect I owed so much to himas well: if he hadn’t set out to be Dr. Strangelove, surely Alan and I would never have gotten to know each other.

The three walked on, and I watched them walk away until they turned the corner, disappearing from my vision altogether. I sighed with a tinge of sadness, because I knew it would never be the same again, even if we talked by phone.

Well, only he remained, arms folded and legs barely spread. I approached and it seemed to me that he had raised his defenses again, rigid as he was in that posture.

“Anyway, I’m not interested in the boys from California,” I tried to say to dampen the tension.

“For me, you can do as you see fit,” he replied with a hint of the sourness I had so dreaded. I did not want to believe that one stupid sentence had ruined an entire evening.

“But why are you doing this? So, you mean to tell me that if I stick my tongue in the mouth of the first person who passes in front of me, you’re happy?”

He did not flinch an inch. It was not the reaction I had expected. I felt a pair of hands grab my heart and begin to tear it in half.

“That’s not what I said. I’m just saying you can’t keep your foot in two shoes, and when you’re in California for me you’ll be free.”

“I’m here now, though. Or am I already over there for you? Because if so then we might as well say goodbye here and go home!”

My whole body stiffened. Meanwhile, those invisible hands kept tearing, in small strokes, just so that I would not miss a single moment of my shattered heart. He sighed and tightened his lips, almost indecisively. I had had no doubts about wanting to spend the evening with him, and the fact that he had any was annihilating me second by second.

“No, no. I don’t want you to go home.”

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