Page 194 of Two Marlboros

“Hello!” he exclaimed out of nowhere and caught me unprepared.

“Hey,” I replied. In the background I could hear a shrill shrieking and cackling. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he chuckled shortly after, “It’s Jimmy who’s super-excited. You know, they called me in for a recognition this morning and I brought him along.”

In the distance his brother’s little voice shouted an electrified “Yes, yes!” followed by a “mee-mii mee-mii” that must have been the sound of the steering wheel siren. Nathan laughed and so did I, although my laughter was muffled at the memory of Church’s grooming.

“Whatever,” he continued, “maybe you already knew that. Hey, wha-”

I heard an indistinct rustling that made me worry, at least until I heard several increasingly distant “Give it back!” from Nathan.

“And after that, we had to say if that gentleman was bad,” continued what must have been the young voice of Jimmy, who apparently had stolen the phone from his brother. “And then Naty said - wait, I’m telling Mom!”

Again, a rustle and again a laugh that grew louder and louder as the phone returned to the hands of its rightful owner.

“It’s not Mom, Jimmy,” he replied, still amused. “Give me five minutes and I’ll be there, okay? And stay where I can see you.”

On hearing him talk like that, a smile escaped me. I had the impression that our level of intimacy had passed another stage, which had nothing to do with the concept of infatuation or passion, but more with the idea of... familiarity.

“Sorry, here I am.”

I still had that dumbfounded smile on my face. “You’re good with kids.”

“Sort of,” he chuckled. “It’s just that I told Jimmy a story about a little boy picking berries and playing with ants, and now he’s got it in his head that he wants to do it too.”

“Hmm, stubborn and determined, reminds me of someone.”

Nathan laughed again, while I felt embarrassed by the confidence I had taken with him at that moment. Yes, there were indeed traces of familiarity in the words I had used and in the tone of my voice, as well as in the desire for that feeling of intimacy to grow, and not just in the most obvious sense.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I’m going to spend some time with him before I leave.”

The smile I had had on my face up to that moment vanished completely, along with the illusion that our relationship might become something else. His departure. For a moment I had almost forgotten it.

“So, you are determined to leave?”

“Yes,” he whispered. Suddenly my gaze was lost in the whiteness of the wall in front of me, and indeed it went beyond, to the emptiness that had overtaken with that answer of his.

“Nothing personal,” he added again. “It’s just that so much has happened these past few months that I need to stop for a moment.”

“Yes, I understand.”

There I had gotten the answer to the question I had asked him at the station. No, there was nothing that could change his mind. I felt my heart pull and clenched my lips to hold back the pain.

“Alan?”

“Yes?”

“You’re coming to my party, don’t you? You’re not standing me up, are you?”

I barely giggled, but it cost me a lot of effort. “Of course I’ll be there, what did you think?”

“That’s it, because I want to say goodbye. Then I made reservations at a nice place, I’ll tell you later.”

“Alright, alright.”

A smile had returned to my face, but it tasted bittersweet. The seed of resignation was planting roots inside me, but I also felt that maybe I would still have a chance to try everything. To throw myself in it completely, as Ash had said.

Suddenly, Jimmy’s little voice repeated like a broken record, “I found the berries!” as Nathan tried to string him along. I imagined them playing together, and that picture aroused tenderness in me.

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