Page 144 of Two Marlboros

“So, what have you been up to these days? Did you manage to do the research you wanted to do?” he asked.

“Yes, I went back to the McDonald’s I was telling you about.”

“And did you find out anything new?”

I sighed. “No, and basically I don’t think it’s that necessary.”

“Meaning?”

“It’s pretty obvious that both Ryan and Harvey are doing coke.”

“Harvey?”

I covered my lips with my fingers, as if that gesture might have erased what I had just said.

“Yes, he’s in this business, too,” I replied in a low voice, as if ashamed.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

I looked up only to notice that the look on Alan’s face was indeed sorry, but no more than surprised. I remembered how close I had come with that line of coke, what Harvey had done with my body, and felt relieved that Alan would never know anything about what happened.

“And I kind of got the impression that with this drug thing he got himself into some mess,” I added, then took a sip. “I even thought he had something to do with the robbery, too. Anyway, I dumped him, so it’s a closed chapter now.”

In a flash I saw myself naked again, kneeling as I let Harvey creep all over my body. I was reminded of the nickname he had called me before I kicked him out of the house and out of my life.

“I know I should say I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m going to miss that guy.”

We both burst out laughing, he at his own joke, me at the directness with which he had admitted it, and maybe even shaking off those unpleasant memories. Our gazes met for a moment, and his seemed as embarrassed as mine.

“Beside this,” he continued, “are you alright?”

“Yes, I don’t care about him anymore. Although other things happened that day.”

“Like what?”

My Coke glass was half full. I girded it with my hands, and it was still cool, even though the ice cubes were slowly melting. Alan’s hand on my wrist forced me to find his gaze, always so reassuring. I smiled at him, and he removed his hand.

“Well, it’s about my father. You know something about the mess between us.”

Alan nodded. “You had told me something, yes.”

“Here: I went to my parents’ house the other night to tell them to fuck off. Only I don’t know what happened, and they’re the ones who toldmeto fuck off.”

I thought back to my mother’s look and wished I could go back. I felt like an orphan again, and Alan, as dear as he was to me, could never feel that love for me that I so needed.

“Nathan? Are you alright?”

“Yes, sorry. My father has been quiet the whole time. Can you believe that? He didn’t say anything. He just stood there,with his arms crossed, while my mother basically told me that I was no longer her son.”

“Come on, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. Maybe she said it in a moment of anger.”

I let out a bitter smile. “If you had been there, you would feel the same way.”

No amount of hugging would have convinced me otherwise. No words of comfort would have succeeded in bringing to life the barrenness I felt around me. By bringing me into the world, my parents had bet on me, but they had lost everything.

Alan moved his chair to get even closer. In a fit of selfishness, I wished Oliver had never existed and would have gladly wiped Steve off the face of the earth.

“Have you tried apologizing to her?”

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