Page 109 of Two Marlboros

I went back behind the wall.

“It’s simple: Ryan wants you to mind your own business.”

“So what?”

“So, the first time he let you know nicely, the second time he might get tough. That’s all.”

He looked at me, with that look of someone who always looks for the catch in every sentence. Finally, he nodded, but he wasn’t really convinced. Maybe he didn’t trust me, but my concern was sincere.

Footsteps continued to echo through the parking lot, but they were distant.

Nathan stared at the streaks left by the tires of a few cars that had rushed into the vacant space in front of him.

“I’d like to know what’s going on in your head, you know,” I said.

“I’ve heard that line a million times before.”

“And I bet you haven’t told anyone what’s on your mind.”

Because no one was worthy enough, at least for him. I was pretty sure he would give me this answer, but he surprised me.

“What do you want to know?”

He looked at me, and in his eyes I seemed to catch a glimpse of hidden malice as well, but he had no intention of letting it out. It was his look and that was all, always ready to get into the thick of things everywhere.

“What are you going to say to Ryan?”

He looked at me for a moment, taken aback, then shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll let my instincts guide me.”

He would speak to him genuinely, as he always did.

I observed him in his simplicity and wondered what he thought of me. I had often believed I was different from others, but the more I was with him, the more I felt I was just a copy of all the people he had met. How many others had felt the desire to read inside that little head? How was I different?

Perhaps to him I was nothing more than yet another person, same as everyone else. I was no different at heart, and likely, he would have gotten rid of me as he did everyone else. I, who for so long had thought myself different, was now discovering the weaknesses of my banality. I was like everyone else. I was like the other boys who had found themselves staring at him, following with their eyes the features of his nose and lips, who had allowed themselves to be absorbed in fantasies about that mouth, but who had perhaps looked even a little further, and had longed to find out what lays behind those enigmatic eyes.

Would he think of me when I am not there? What would he think of me?

I was just the latest in a long list, no more, no less. I was just another fool who would watch him smoke all day too.

I was…

“It’s you two!”

I gasped and pushed Nathan behind me. It was Ash.

“You gave me a heart attack, you know!”

He chuckled. “I noticed. Am I interrupting something?”

Nathan came out into the open and I gave Ash’s arm a little pat.

“Don’t talk nonsense. Rather, what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question, but I was actually looking for Waitch.”

Ash directed his gaze toward Nathan. I guessed he had something to do with the investigation and had tried to catch him off guard. Nathan, however, reacted only with a question.

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