Page 106 of Two Marlboros

In front of me stood Ryan.

The colorful world of McDonald’s turned a pastel gray, and the songAll Starin the background gave space to the beats of my heart as soon as I laid eyes on the big guy who was standing next to him. I cast him a quick glance and remembered that he was the same guy I had seen at Webster Hall; he scared me as much as the first time. One wrong word and that guy would make me feel the strength of his biceps for sure. But even if I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have spoken a word. My throat was dry, and my hand still rested on the handle. I loosened my grip slowly, waiting for their reaction, but it did not come; so, I let go of it altogether and closed the door behind me.

No one seemed to have paid any attention to our trio, but I was not overly surprised.

“Nathan, I thought I told you not to stick your nose in this.”

“What, I can’t even come to fast foods anymore?”

He approached me, and for a moment I was afraid. “Not in this one.”

It was the specter of what I could have become, too, if on more than one occasion I had given in. Sometimes I had been offered heavy stuff. There was talk of LSD, but also of cocaine, which cost more, however. It was too much for my pockets and I didn’t want to get into some mess, like the one Ryan had gotten himself into. In that moment, as I looked at him, I saw in his eyes the only thing he really cared about, and I was grateful my pockets had always been empty. That was what I would have become, and I felt, for the first time, proud of who I was.

“Who sells you the stuff, huh? The Mexican on 10th and 11th? Or the tall girl on 13th?”

“Stop it, that’s none of your business.”

This time I was the one who approached him. “It kind of is, you know? Because Harvey got into this shit too, and I want to know who the fuck sells you this shit.”

As he heard Harvey’s name, he stiffened. Maybe he didn’t expect me to know. But I knew so many things, and never was it clearer to me than in that moment.

“Go away. It’s better. There are things you don’t want to know.”

“Oh yeah? And what is it that I wouldn’t want to know? That you sniff coke from morning to night? That’s hardly a secret!”

Ryan turned back to the closet. Big guy cracked his knucks and took a few steps toward me.

“Ah, is that how you handle things now? You send your bone-crushing friend ahead because you’re too weak to face me yourself?”

The guy actually came forward. He began to loosen one shoulder, then the other, and I couldn’t tell if it was just to scare me or because he really intended to drop me a well-placed punch.

I looked for a sensible solution. I looked at both of them and smiled.

“Alright, whatever you like. But know this isn’t over.”

I said nothing more to them. I turned one last glance at them, after which I took large strides toward the exit.

I spent half an hour trying to process what had happened, sitting on an ordinary park bench. It had hurt me to see Ryan like that, to look into his eyes and no longer recognize him.

I also thought back to the words he had spoken to me. By now I knew all about him and Harvey and the coke, but I wondered if there were other things I didn’t want to know, as he had said.

So, I texted Alan to tell him that I wanted to get back to Webster Hall as soon as possible. It was there that I had found Ryan the first time, and I was certain that I would find him there a second time as well, and if we could get admission to the private room, we would perhaps find out something more.

He immediately agreed, and I was heartened. Another half hour passed, however, before I was able to head to the subway, return home and have a bite to eat that only partially satiated me.

20

The Regular Kind

(?Britney Spears - (You drive me) Crazy)

Chaos, clouds of smoke, jostling: Webster Hall was just as I remembered it. Outside, the situation was unbearable as usual: this was college night, and the courtyard was full of rowdy kids. Plus, there was also the evening mugginess that wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to admit that with my shirt off and sleeves rolled up I looked pretty good, but I didn’t mention it. Giving satisfaction to someone like Nathan was the first step toward mistakes one soon regrets. I watched him and, before I even saw him, caught him smoking one of the drums we had made together; then I turned to Ash and found him looking lost. Before I thought they were both good companies, I pointed my eyes in the same direction as Ash’s to see what he was looking at. Two men, one short and with Latin features, the other a twenty-something with a little hat, were exchanging something for money. The first had spit something out of his mouth, perhaps heroin eggs or cocaine.

When that was over, I glanced at Ash, and he immediately knew where I was going with this. We didn’t have any certainty, but people don’t disappear into thin air unless they really have a good reason, and there seemed to be a drug cartel at Webster Hall. Whether it was a regular affair or not was what we had to find out that night. Ash pulled me by my arm, and I could tell he was taking advantage of a moment of distraction from Nathan.

“I’m going to go ask those guys a few questions,” and he pointed to the drug dealer and the boy, who had meanwhile moved away, “you distract Nathan. He came for Ryan, didn’t he?If you see him, follow him. Give him an excuse, it might come in handy.”

I nodded, although I felt bad for Nathan: it felt like a big mock to him. Well, after all, it kind of was, and I felt sorry for myself at the thought of lying to him.

---