Page 85 of Two Marlboros

I giggled at the image that formed in my head. The reward for being good was a pat on the head and a cigarette.

“Guys, come on. You look like a married couple.”

Those words were like a cold shower. I had fallen for them again. I had even promised myself not to mention it again in my thoughts, but instead I had found myself at that point without realizing it. I shut up immediately and, for the rest of the trip, I limited myself to the bare minimum.

But Nathan and Ash were so close that they didn’t even notice.

In front of the club there was an impressive throng of people, topped only by a pall of smoke that made the air unbreathable everywhere one turned. We shuffled through the bedlam of people, choosing one of the less polluted spots and waiting for the doors to open. Nathan’s eyes were lost on a small group of smokers, and I imagined he must be feeling great envy. I smiled at the idea of that thought haunting him so much, but after all, an addiction was just that.

Shortly thereafter, it was him who looked away from what must have appeared to him as an inviting slice of cake, back between us and began tarting Ashton up again.

“So? What girls do you like?”

My colleague thought about it for a moment. “Tall, blond, and aggressive.”

Nathan burst out laughing. “You know what you want, I see.”

He then lifted his chin to peer into the crowd, perhaps looking for Ash’s soul mate - at least for the evening.

“That one?”

He pointed to a girl as Ashton had described, except that she appeared very posed and well-mannered, a detail that did not escape him.

“Nah, she looks too shy to me.”

I soon became disinterested in the thing and let Nathan point Ashton to another half-million girls. He seemed like theclerk who tries to foist something on you at all costs by showing you every item in the store, although he seemed to have good taste.

Meanwhile, it was starting to get cold. We were still standing there, letting the cloud of smoke gradually envelop us. Because of this, Nathan seemed to calm down at least partially.

I observed the club, a station disguised as a disco, thanks to the neon sign and logo that went on and off. Just as it lit up completely, my gaze recognized it: the bull! Seeing it in person was a whole different thing from a static image in the newspaper, and at that moment I could state with certainty that the Webster Hall logo was identical to the drafts found in Michael’s notebook and resembled, in a way, the drawings that some fun-loving person had left on his car.

I still didn’t know how to accurately connect all those elements, so I snapped my head back to reality, to Nathan and Ashton discussing which girl was best suited for my colleague.

“Excuse me for asking, but what are we still doing standing here?” I asked.

Nathan and Ashton turned to me, trying to figure out if I was serious.

“Tell the truth,” Ash said, “when was the last time you came to dance?”

Nathan’s expression was that of someone who was going to burst out laughing at any moment, and for the first time since my teenage years, I felt almost embarrassed, the child in front of the men who had lived. I knew it was nonsense, but the stares aimed at me had the effect of making me uncomfortable. In Ash’s eyes I also read a hint of revenge.

“Funny.”

The two exchanged a complicit glance, and a hint of uneasiness worked its way into me. When they were together, they cut me off from the world: and if from Ashton it might haveseemed even normal to me, I could not fathom how it could be the same with Nathan. There had even been occasions of greater intimacy with him, yet he seemed like a different person. Or maybe it was me who couldn’t keep the same attitude I had when we were alone?

“Anyway, we’re just waiting for them to open,” Ash continued. “Oh, take a note: don’t lose the card they’ll give you at the entrance.”

I merely nodded. I could see him quivering with the urge to explain a few more things to me, but I chose not to give him that satisfaction. I just tried to keep in mind not to lose the card, no matter what it was for.

After a few seconds, we heard a general murmur and people began to push.

I didn’t need to be Einstein to realize that we could enter.

The deafening noise of music overwhelmed me as soon as we crossed the threshold of the club. If the volume of the radio Nathan had put on to go to the party had seemed loud to me, that far exceeded my imagination. It took me a few moments to get used to it and to resist the urge to run for the hills.

Remembering the crowd of people waiting outside, I immediately wondered how they could all fit into the venue, that had already become packed. Boys and girls were rubbing up against each other unable to do otherwise, so crowded was the floor and such was the difficulty of moving without bumping into someone.

On the right I caught a glimpse of a guy shaking a cocktail and guessed it was the bar. Overhead, there was another floor, perhaps a tad more secluded and less confusing.

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