Page 160 of Two Marlboros

“Alan.”

I paused. I lifted my head to find that his eyes were inside mine and that they seemed to be open again, ready for me to enter him.

“Yes?”

“Can you stay a moment?”

I turned to Ashton, who nodded his head, after which he disappeared behind the parapet and walked out. I was left alone with Nathan - and his roommate.

On instinct, I reached into my briefcase and grabbed my notebook, and slipped out the pen I was holding hooked.

Nathan lifted his arm.

“No, no. I wanted to talk to you about something else. Sit down, if you want.”

I put away my pen and notebook. I moved the chair toward the head of the bed and took a seat. He extended a hand toward me, but withdrew it immediately afterward, just as I had done before.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I barely shook my head, as if to say that it didn’t matter, that it was alright and that if anyone should be sorry, it was me. He continued, however.

“I’m sorry that things between us have changed a bit. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

If I had wanted to tell him everything I felt, I would have come to a point of no return. I would have admitted everything I had thought and desired under that oak tree, as well as on a thousand other occasions.

“I think it’s best for both of us to talk straight about this matter,” he continued. “I value your friendship.”

I peered at those invisible beard hairs; the skin of his neck hidden by the shadow of his own face. I wanted to hold him in my arms. Had it been even for once, just once, only once....

He turned and stared at the ceiling. “Okay. I got it. Let it go. It’s obvious that only I’m interested.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know, you don’t say anything.”

I shrugged with enormous embarrassment. He started looking at me again.

“It’s just not easy for me to talk about these things, Nathan. I mean, I...”

“Maybe it wasn’t the time for both of us. You’re still thinking about Oliver, and I have my own mess. We met too soon, that’s what I think. I like you, though. And every freaking time I’ve been hoping you would do it, man.”

“You could have kissed me too.”

How that sentence came out was a total mystery to me, too. Nathan had continued to skirt around the issue masterfully, because despite all the talk, he had never mentioned a kiss or our possible relationship. I had done so, perhaps without realizing it.

He blushed. He looked away, but for once he had done so out of positive emotion. I had been direct, but that sentence was, without a doubt, what melted the winter that had frozen our relationship. On his smile all traces of malice were wiped away and only ill-concealed joy remained. He extended his hand toward me again, and I rested my palm on his. I caressed him and discovered what it was like to feel him under my fingers, what it was like to feel him a little bit my own. It resembled in every way a dangerous chasm but tantalizing because of the whirlwind it makes you feel; and a part of me, underneath, couldn’t wait to throw myself into it.

Nathan’s expression, however, suddenly turned serious. He lowered his gaze to our hands, and his own grew stiffer.

“No,” he whispered. “If I did, I would have kind of come between you and Oliver - it wouldn’t be right.”

“If it ever happens,” he continued, “it will be because you want it to.”

He looked up at me and I still couldn’t say anything, perhaps because he was right after all. At that moment it became even clearer to me how much I had wasted the opportunities that had come my way with Nathan,deliberately, because somewhere Oliver was still with me.

A little I nodded and a little I smiled, until Nathan’s hand returned softly to mine. Silence fell between us, just as it had fallen so many times on the last times we had been together, but Nathan kept the conversation from falling on deaf ears this time.

“Oh! I’ll see you the night before I leave, right?”

---