Page 124 of Two Marlboros

“I’d like to get some explanations.”

I heard him huff from the other side. “You want explanations? Alright.”

Now he was stymied, and I thought of everything I might have done wrong. I could think of nothing, nothing that would trigger such a reaction.

“I talked to Steve, and you know what he told me? That he knew the whole party thing was a set-up.”

I finished processing a moment later and tried to restrain myself from blurting out in anger.

“And you send a message like that for a silliness like this?”

He did not flinch. “Do you think it’s silly? Maybe. But I didn’t expect it from you, the champion of justice, the one who always wants to behave properly and expects others to do the same.”

He was right. Up to that moment it seemed to me that I held the fortunes of the discussion in my hands, that I could decide the fate of my friendship with Nathan by a judgment alone; butthe more I thought back to his words, the more I realized that he had the upper hand. I became frightened. Nathan and I had not known each other for so long, but his words had hurt my pride.

“You know, Alan, you really let me down.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, sure, you’re sorry. Can you at least give me a good reason why you did that?”

Here, a good reason.

I struggled to come up with one; but the only image I could recall was the two of them, at the party, and the way they sowed sass at every turn. Harvey had had Nathan in every way. He had kissed him, undressed him, run his moist fingers down his back and then further down....

It meant nothing, though. Harvey had nothing to do with it. I could have brought up the fact that I had been drinking, but I knew that wasn’t true.

“I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry, truly.”

He said nothing. Maybe he expected an answer from me, maybe I did too. Only, the answer did not come. I, like him, kept wondering why I had done such a thing.

“Whatever. Bye.”

He hung up. He didn’t even wait for me to say bye.

I turned back to Ash, and it seemed that all was lost. He asked me what had happened, and I summarized the phone call.

“What should I do?”

I had lived through nine months of deep apathy. People had not mattered much to me during that time, and that sudden situation threw me into a panic. It was as if I had forgotten how to handle any human relationship, how to apologize and make it up to them.

“Hold on, everybody. Point one: do you really care to apologize to him? Because if you don’t care, then that’s the end of it.”

“I think I do care.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, well, that was a given. Point two: you’re in the wrong and you need to do something about it. Ideas?”

The first thought was to go to his house. I could have waited for him at the door and made a pathetic scene, although it would most likely have saved the day. Our friendship would have overcome the first major obstacle, and everything would be back to the way it used to be; it was just a matter of putting pride aside, accepting being told something unpleasant to my face, arguing, maybe yelling, and enjoying the quiet after the storm.

But when my chest felt ripped open, I realized that Ash was right: I cared. I cared about Nathan and our friendship, and that conversation was crushing my soul. In just three weeks it had seeped into me with a rapidity I didn’t think possible.

“Nothing that doesn’t sound like a soap opera scene.”

“He didn’t accept an apology, so we need something stronger. Let’s rule out bouquets and serenades under the house, pathetic scenes like: ‘Please forgive me!’”

“These sound more like teenage couple stuff to me.”

Ash rolled his eyes. “Let’s move on.”

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