Page 87 of Dark, Forbidden, & Taboo

As I wrap my arms around my legs, I sigh. I haven’t thought of another reason to go back to his home, and it’s been three days since we last—and first—spoke to each other. Stealing another package would be much too obvious, and I’ve stayed away from the windows ever since I came back home.

I can’t get him off my mind, though, and that’s when I sit in my tub. It’s an attempt to cleanse myself of the dirty feelings but it fails each time.

The only thing that will make me feel whole is Duran.

My smile widens slightly now that I know something about him other than how brutal he can be, and it’s something he told me on his own.

Something he wanted me to know, something very personal, and that tells me he wants me too.

I rest the side of my face on my arm and stare at the small white, square tiles that make up my bathroom walls until they turn into nothing. I don’t want to sit here and linger much longer. I know I have to go back soon.

But for what reason?

What can I possibly say to him that will allow me entrance into his home?

I close my eyes when the walls are nothing more than white sludge sliding into oblivion and decide that tonight will be the first night of a new life.

I’m going back to his home, because I need to feel alive just once before I walk away from him forever.

Chapter

Four

I’m dressed in a simple, pearl-colored robe. A thick, silk belt is wrapped loosely around my waist, and as I pull my hair back into a loose bun, I stare into my eyes and see nothing staring back at me.

It’s how it always is, but I refuse to let it continue. Not when I have someone that I know is desperate to help me.

I press the switch on the lamp in my bedroom as I turn away and walk toward the door. I have every intention of showing him that I’m not the simple, stumbling girl that showed up on his doorstep to return something that I had obviously stolen.

I want him to see me for what I am.

The fragile minded and soul-shattered girl that needs to be fixed in a way that only he can provide.

“Hello, I’m sorry to disturb you this evening, but I was hoping that I could talk to you about something.”

I smile as I practice my mumbled words on the way into the living room where I slip my feet into a pair of black ballet shoes. Once I feel fully prepared, I walk toward the door of my home and turn to glance over my shoulder one last time.

I’ll miss this place.

The walkto Duran’s home takes much longer than it should because my feet are dragging. I want to move faster, but my heart wants me to fight this feeling—it wants to survive to see the dawn of the next day, but I refuse.

I’ve fought for as long as I can, and I’m tired. For once in my life, I just need to feel euphoria at the hands of another before I let my body rest until it turns to nothing more than dust after the worms that dwell deep in the earth have eaten away my rotten exterior.

“Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return,” I whisper to my heart. It beats furiously in response and causes me to stop walking for a moment, lay a gentle hand on my chest, and tell it that it will be okay.

I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath before I force myself to continue. A car comes down the street, theheadlights blinding me enough to raise a hand and shield my eyes, but it disappears as quickly as my will to live does each morning that I open my eyes.

I hate this feeling.

Being alive was something I never asked for, and it’s not fair that I wasn’t given a choice.

But now Idohave a choice to end this bedlam that the universe has deemed to grow inside of my mind on a daily basis, and it ends tonight.

It has to, because I can’t keep fighting these thoughts for much longer.

In no time, I’m on Duran’s street and walking toward his home. I can see it coming closer, and no matter how desperately my body fights me to slow down, I fight against it and continue my fast pace.

Once I’m two houses away from his, I push my hair behind my ears, and decide that maybe I should see if he’s feeling destructive tonight before I knock on his door again and beg him for his mercy.

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