Page 36 of Always You

Devon is dancing the best I’ve ever seen her. Her lines are perfect and graceful, her leaps are powerful, and her turns never waver. I’ve never seen her so on before. The audience is completely mesmerized by her, as am I.

When the ballet ends, everyone immediately jumps to their feet to cheer for the spectacular performance. Devon and the male lead come back out onto the stage to take their bows, and the audience cheers and cheers and cheers. My eyes burn with tears begging to spill out. I’m so proud of Devon but also so jealous. Not of her success or her talent. She has worked so hard to achieve this, and I could never begrudge her of that.

I’m jealous that she has always known exactly what she’s wanted. From her very first dance class, she knew that she wanted to be a ballerina. There was no other course for her to take. No other option. No plan B. She has been laser focused ever since. I’ve never had that. Here I am at twenty-six, still debating what I want to do with the rest of my life. It’s frustrating and almost embarrassing. I should have things figured out by now.

Josiah slips his arm around my shoulders and plants a firm kiss on the top of my head. I melt into his side and wrap my arms around his waist. The tears fall down my cheeks because I know what I have to do to clear my head and make a final decision for my future. Josiah is not going to like it.

19

Ellis

Josiah is taking the news exactly as I thought he would. We’re currently locked into a glaring contest on opposite sides of the hotel room. It’s kind of like a staring contest, only a lot more hostile. He’s sitting in the desk chair with his bulky arms crossed over his chest. His jaw is tense, and I swear he’s yelling at me in his head. Thankfully, there’s no actual yelling happening. I don’t think I’d be able to take it at the moment. I know for a fact I’d crumble into a million pieces and cry at his feet, and I simply cannot do that. I have to stay strong.

I know why he’s upset, and I don’t fault him for it. I’d be angry as well if he came to me and said, “Hey, I know I just told you that I want to be in a relationship with you, but I’m scared and need a little break. Oh, and by the way, I’m going to Scotland…alone…without you!”

I fully expected him to take it badly. That’s why I booked the ticket ahead of time. It’s nonrefundable, so Ican’tback out now. It would literally be like throwingmoney away, and I don’t do that. I try to be frugal, except when I’m booking spontaneous trips to the UK. Then it’s as if I’ve never even heard of budgeting and saving before.You’re planning to go back to school and need money for tuition? Who cares? Blow all your money on a trip so you can think and clear your mind.

Josiah sits up in his chair and rests his forearms on his thighs. I can feel the anger rippling off him. He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

“I know you’re upset, but it’s not forever. Just a week or two. I just need to make a decision without you and your presence swaying my decision one way or the other,” I say, even though he has already heard all of my reasons.

“That’s not the point, Ellis! You want to travel, then travel. Travel this entire globe if you want to. Just not when you’re still recovering from a concussion and not all alone!” Oh, he’s really mad now, and it’s actually kind of attractive. He looks so good with his cheeks all red like that and the way his chest is heaving from his heavy breathing.And this is exactly why I need an entire ocean between us to be able to think.All I want to do is book him a plane ticket so he can come with me when he looks like that, but that would be counterproductive.

My decision has been made. The plane ticket has been booked. Instead of flying home with Josiah tomorrow morning, as originally planned, I’ll be flying to Edinburgh, Scotland tomorrow evening—alone. I have no idea what I’ll do when I get there, but that’s part of the beauty of it. I have no one else to think about, so I can do whatever I want. I’m not even sure how long I’m staying, because I only booked a one-way ticket. I didn’t want to put a time limit on this.

I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never been so selfish, and it’s simultaneously scary and liberating. I’m excited to go out and explore, but what do I do if something bad happens? What if my wallet gets stolen, and I’m left withno funds? I’ve never once had to rely wholly on myself. Everyone should experience that at least once in their life. If Josiah is serious about this relationship with me, he’ll understand why I need to do this and respect it.

“How are you even going to get into the country? You don’t have your passport with you,” he says, as if he’s backed me into a corner. Unfortunately for him, I’ve already thought of everything.

“I texted Jolene before I even booked the ticket. She has already overnighted my passport to me. It’s costing me a fortune, but it’ll be here tomorrow around 10:00 AM.”

I see the defeat in his eyes as soon as he processes the words. “So you’re determined to do this?”

“I am.” I force myself to stand up straighter and lift my chin. I can’t back out. I have to prove to myself that I can be on my own and make my own choices in life. I have to be my own person, at least for a short while.

He nods his head in acceptance. “Will you, at the very least, text me at the end of each day to let me know you’re okay? I could never live with myself again if something happened to you. I love you, Ellis.” He rakes his hand through his hair and looks at me. I shift on my feet nervously. “It’s okay if you can’t say it back. Just know that I love you, so I will give you this if that’s what you need. Just please don’t make me sit around in agony, wondering if you’re okay.”

I don’t know what to say in return. I already knew Josiah loved me…the same way I love him. He shows it in every little thing he does for me, like sitting with me at my parents’ house all day, every day, or flying with me to Boston to see my sister’s ballet. His love is right there in his eyes every time he looks at me, and I can’t believe it took me so long to notice it. Our love for each other has always been there, long before we ever started to consider a relationship together. It’s been there since we were little kids running around at playgrounds, since we were middle schoolers standing up for each other when someone was mean to us, since we were in high school and I cheered him on during every single one of his football games.

Now that I know it’s there and I’ve felt it, I never want it to go away, because I love Josiah too. I love him so much that it almost hurts just thinking about. I love him so much that I’d be willing to throw away all my plans just to make him happy, and I know he’d do the same for me. But that’s not what we need. We don’t need one person domineering the other. We need a partnership and compromise. But first I have to figure out what it is I really want. I know I want him, but he can’t be myentirelife. I can’t do that again. I have to be me before there can really be a Josiah and Ellis.

Once I figure out what I’m doing, and where I’m going, and if he’s coming along for the ride, then I’ll tell him I love him. I can’t say the words if this isn’t headed toward forever.

Scotland is a beautiful country. I love everything about it. The people are friendly, the food is good (especially the steak and ale pie I had for lunch earlier), the city is clean, and the landscape is stunning.

After spending my first day slowly exploring Edinburgh (with several breaks for naps), I decided to take a day trip out to the highlands to see some of the natural landscape, and it has not disappointed. I wish I could stare out at the rolling hills for the rest of my life. Only, I think it would get a little lonely after a while. I’ve already taken hundreds of pictures and sent my favorites to my mom and sisters. They immediately responded with excitement and messages wishing they were with me.

Josiah was the first person I wanted to send the pictures to, but I’m trying not to spend all day, every day thinking of him. I want to enjoy this trip and the solitude. He’s already the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think of before going to sleep at night. I even bought him a pair of hideous plaid socks from a gift shop yesterday. He’s going to love them. It’s embarrassing how much time I’ve spent thinking about him when I should be thinking about my plans for school. That was supposedly the main purpose for this trip.

There’s not much to think about in that regard, though. I made my decision while I was still on the plane. I’ve decided medical school is just not for me, and in my heart, I know I want to work in a birthing center. So, there’s really nothing left for me to think about but Josiah and where my relationship with him is going.

Well, that’s not exactly true. I have to think about applying to schools to see if I’ll even be accepted into one of the programs. I already know of five schools that I plan to apply to, and I’m crossing all my fingers and toes, hoping one of them accepts me.

I’ll have to get recommendation letters, request transcripts, and write an essay. I thought I was done with all this stuff. It almost feels like starting over, but I’m so excited. I can’t wait to get started on my applications, and I’m so ready to tell Josiah. But I can’t yet. I have to prove to myself that I can be alone, at least for a little while.

The tour guide calls for everyone to get back on the bus so we can head to our next destination. I take one last longing look at the landscape and turn my back on it to take my seat on the bus.

Our next stop is Loch Ness, so the tour guide spends the next portion of the drive telling us stories of possible LochNess monster sightings. They gradually get more and more ridiculous as he goes on. Once again, I wish Josiah was here so I could have someone to laugh with. He’d go nuts for this.Stay strong, Ellis.

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