Page 92 of In Her Own Rite

“Okay.”

I move my free hand over the leg again, feeling for the bone beneath. I can see it clearer now, the shape sharper around the edges. They’re letting me see it. And Ifeelsomething. It’s not mine, but it’sinme somewhere. His pain.

“Do you trust me?” I whisper, unsure if I even trust myself.

“Yes.”

I nod.

“Aka leif deij Gabriel geij ikka takkani, feiyya nateyyakata fast.” The words come out quickly, breathlessly, from a place somewhere deep in my mind that I can’t reach:To Gabriel’s body I give my thanks, for your steadfast protection.

“Takkata feiyya vuuromgeija dat kiyyuime, eijtna geijaim kasayya deija verut bavakka.”

Thank you for giving shape to his soul, and for giving him a means of moving through the world.

“It’s happening,” I hear Gabe say from somewhere far away. I can sense the nervousness in his voice, and I feel his anxiety somewhere inmybody. In my mind’s eye, through a cloud of mist, I see myself, kneeling before him. Thekiyyulitbetween my hand and his leg is a faint flicker, but it’s there.

I’m seeing through his eyes, I realize.

“Ije seijatta vayyatik,” I whisper to his body.I see your pain. And suddenly, a cloud of darkness overtakes me.

I’m not Em anymore. I’m Gabe, somewhere. Gabe in his own mind, in his self-perception. I’m seeing the ceiling of the common house through his eyes, the big silver wolf on top of him. I feel his fear.

In real-time, somewhere far away in the living room where my physical body is, I hear Gabe cry out, the grip of his hand clenching tight around mine.

“I need you to trust me,” I hear my own voice say. But it doesn’t feel like me. My body feels paper-thin; not a person, not a shell, just a wisp of something between Gabe and the ancestors. Thekiyyulitare everywhere. I can feel their energy around me, through me, but I can’t see them.

I see the black wolf. I feel the weight of her as she lands on his leg; the blinding snap the moment the bone broke.

His first thought as he feels it break:I won’t be able to do the rite.His body washes with relief, and then he’s crushed by shame. He sees Seb and Kieran in his mind’s eye; he fears their disappointment.

The wolf tears into his chest and he sees his own blood. A blinding crack of fear; something slicing. There’s so much blood. He thinks he may die here.

Is this where it finally happens?he thinks.Is this where I die for them?

“What?” I hear come from my own mouth, somewhere far away.

The wave of feeling and memory is overwhelming, and the part of me that’s Em feels like it’s slipping away. I’m letting it overtake me; I’m becomingthe veil, some thin barrier between life and death, and if I can’t find the edge of myself in here, it’s going to eat me alive. Somehow, I know that I need to take back control of my body. If I want to use thekiyyulitto heal him, I need to be strong enough to nudge them without losing myself.

I’m exhausted but I try, searching for myself in the mist of light and fog and Gabe’s memory. Somewhere in there, I find my conscious mind. Just like when I’m shifting, I give her the reins, and my sense of gravity shifts, like I’m falling back into my skin. I realize now that I’m saying something, muttering, the pace of the Fakari words coming so close together that it sounds like rain on a tin roof. I can barely make it out.

My hand is moving. His bone is shifting for me, yielding. I can feel Gabe’s pain, so bright it’s blinding. He’s groaning.

“We’re almost there,” I hear myself say to him. “I need you to trust me.”

But then there’s something else. There’s more pain, something deeper, and then the memories are coming closer together, flashing. The moment he knew Seb loved Maren, when he saw them walking on the shore together. I see myself and Kieran through his eyes, happy in the back garden when we thought we were alone. I feel Gabe’s sadness, his loneliness.

It’s not meant for him, he thinks. He will give himself up for us.

What?

Now, in his memory, I see a little girl with big green eyes. They’re climbing a tree together. She tells him she’s scared to go back. He takes her hand. He says something I can’t hear.

I hear Gabe cry out beside me, and the light I’d felt building in his body grows brighter, blocking out my vision. It hurts so much. I feel his pain in my body, but I know we’re close to the other side. The white light glows brighter, brighter, and I feel his bone click into place. I see the kiyyulit swirling around it, turning golden, binding it together.

“I think we’re there,” I say, my voice hollow with exhaustion.

Then I hear aboomand then the world goes quiet. So quiet, I almost think I’m dead.

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