Page 71 of In Her Own Rite

“Because you hurt me, Kier,” she says, and she swallows. “And I thought it was just about the rite, but it’s not. It’s notjustthat I don’t want you to think I’m weak. I also don’t know if I can be with someone who doesn’t… who doesn’t…”

I fill in the gaps. “But Em, Idolove you. I love you so much.”

“Do you loveallof me, though?” she asks. “Do you know how to love me in a way that doesn’t just look like protection?”

The words hit me like a blow to the chest, and I stare at her, unsure. Isn’t that how I’m supposed to love her? Isn’t that the thing she’s always wanted to feel? Safe?

“I thought it was new, this overprotective thing,” she says, looking down. “And it is, in a way, because you’ve never been likethis—not wanting me to leave the house alone, stuff like that. I know that’s left over from the rite. But…” She swallows. “I don’t know. Is the other stuff new? Have you always thought I couldn’t take care of myself?”

“Em.” I lean forward, putting a hand on her knee. “Iknowyou can take care of yourself. You’ve had to take care of yourself since you were a little kid. But Iliketaking care of you. And if I do, you don’t have to worry about it, and you can focus on the things that make you happy.”

“I think that maybe, right now, fighting for myselfisthe thing that makes me happy.”

“Okay,” I say weakly.But don’t risk your life. Don’t kill yourself in the ring. Please.

We look at each other for a long time, like we’re both waiting for something to change. Finally, she speaks, and it’s not what I expect.

“Can I ask you something about your rite?” she asks.

“You can ask. I don’t know if I can answer.”

“I’m not going to ask what you fought, although I think I can guess.” She comes closer to me now, putting a hand on mine. Her thumb runs back and forth against the elastic she gave me. “I know the ancient book saysnekkatik veijtanna kiyyu unbeijnkit—you can’t tell another soul what you saw. But I also know we face our biggest fear in the ring. And I know that ever since that night, you’re scared that my dad is here on the Fakaris. So for weeks, I’ve been trying to piece together why your biggest fear would be my dad.”

I think back to that night. My certainty that the wolf I fought was real, and that it was just Lena and the memories that came from thekattaka. If that was true, then my biggest fear isn’t her father, but what Lena said to me. What it might mean.

“Maybe my biggest fear is losing you,” I say, and my voice comes out husky.

“Kier…”

“But I don’t know,” I say, looking away. My voice comes out angrier than I mean it to, and I see it register in her posture. “Because I didn’t defeatthatthat night, did I? I brought it home with me. And now we’re both paying for it.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s costing meyou. Us. This. What we could be.”

“Kieran.” She takes my face in her hands and pulls it towards her, stopping a few inches before her face. “It doesn’t have to be this way. Tell me you think I can do this. Tell me you believe in me.”

“I…” I swallow. “I believe you’re strong. I believe you’re going to fight like hell. I believe you won’t quit.”

She drops her hands, and her voice grows bitter. “But you don’t think I can do it.”

“I don’t know, Em.” I sigh, exasperated. “Can you trust me when I say that Ihatethis? I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t like to see how it hurts you. Do I think you’re going to give it your all? Yes. Do I think you’re kicking ass in training? Yes. Am I proud of you? Yes—so, so proud. But do I think you can train for the islands’ biggest challenge insix weeks,with no preparation? No, I don’t. And that’s not personal. I don’t thinkanyonecan do that.”

She nods.

“We almost lost Seb,” I say, my voice hollow. “He only trained for a few weeks, too, and he almostdied. Wouldn’t you give anything to go back and change it?”

She sighs, and I can’t read the look on her face as she gets up and starts walking for the door.

“Hey, Em. Wait.”

She turns around. “What?”

“I—” God. I sigh. The timing of this is terrible. “I have to go back to Saroe for a little bit, to finish some work orders. But I want to be clear, this is not me leaving. I’m coming back, okay? It’s not about this.”

“Sure. Whatever,” she says, and turns around.

“No, wait,” I say, and get up. I walk to her and put my hands on her shoulders, turning her to face me again. “Listen. I want to be really clear, because I need you to know I’m telling the truth. I’m not leaving. Not today, not ever.”

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