Page 65 of In Her Own Rite

“This is gonna sound weird.”

He shakes his head. “It won’t.”

“With Kier, sometimes.”

He nods. “Okay. So what moments with Kieran?”

I feel myself blush. “Seb, I don’t really know how to—”

“We havefive weeks, Em. I know you guys are sleeping together. Or were, at least. You can spare me the details, but I can handle hearing that you’re an adult.”

“Marentold you?”

“No, dumbass.” He rolls his eyes. “We could all smell it on the two of you as soon as we walked into the house. And honestly, it’s been like ten fucking years, so it wasn’t a huge surprise. Now tell me. When do you feel your wolf?”

I swallow. “Okay. I feel it when I’m happy with him. Or when I’m… caught up in the moment.” I wave my hand to indicate what kind of moment I mean.

“Your wolf is not anit, she’s aher. If you make her into a state of being instead of a part of you, she’ll be harder to access. Try again.”

I sigh. “Agaayu, so many rules. Okay,her. I feelherwhen I’m happy, or swept up in a feeling.”

“Any other times? Ever when you’re by yourself?”

I think. “Lately, sometimes I feel her when I run.”

He nods, his eyes lighting up. “That’s good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You wanther near the surface. And the more your brain can associate her with moments where you’re in flow, and not just the times that you’re scared, the easier it’ll be to let yourself shift.”

I nod. “Okay. So how do I do it?”

“You can’t just like… give in to her, in those moments?” he asks. “When you feel her in you, you can’t let her take over?”

“I don’t know. I never tried. How?”

He shakes his head, thinking. “Fuck if I know. This is the first time I’m teaching someonehowto shift. With Maren we had to focus on reining her wolfin, and that’s what Ihad to learn to do, too. With you, it’s the opposite. I don’t know how to describe it, and what we’ve tried so far hasn’t worked.”

“What if we go on a run?” I ask. “And when I start to feel her, I’ll tell you, and we can just try to figure out what’s next?”

He nods. “Worth a shot.”

We start along the shore,picking up pace as we get to the trail at the edge of the woods. At Seb’s suggestion, he runs behind me so I can focus on myself. It helps in part because, in his human form, running is also harder for Seb since his rite. I know if I see him limping, even if he says he’s fine, I’ll fixate on his discomfort instead of myself.

For the first few minutes, I focus on the rise and fall of my breath, and the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground. But after a while, the outside world starts to fall away, and I find myself getting wrapped up in flow. My mind starts to wander. I think about the rite, about Kieran, about the outfit Maren wore to breakfast this morning. I start to think about what I’ll do tonight: practicing my healing skills with Gabe, then painting. And as the thought hits, I feel my wolf somewhere, deep under the surface.

I keep running, not wanting to say she’s here too early and ruin it. So I focus my thoughts. Painting. I’m going to paint purple rhodoras today. I want to paint the way the light falls on my favorite coffee cup.

My wolf is there, under the surface. She’s happy.

I try to send my breath towards her, like Seb said.

Hey, I think.I’m glad you’re here. You’re allowed to be here.

But just as I think that, I feel a glimmer of tension run through my gut. Is it true? Do I want her here? And the second I think it, she disappears.

No, I want you here, I think.You belong here. In me.

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